ArcaMax

Dear Annie: I need your advice before I lose my mind.

My husband and I moved into what we thought was our dream home last spring. The street is lovely, the neighbors are friendly, and the yard is just big enough for my tomato plants and a little peace and quiet. The problem is the man next door is a drummer. Not a "taps lightly on a practice pad" drummer. A full-on, cymbal-crashing, bass-thumping, living-room-concert drummer.

At first, we tried to be understanding. Everyone needs a hobby. I even told myself it was "kind of nice" that someone still had a passion. That was before the daily solos started. He practices after work, on weekends and sometimes at odd hours that seem designed to coincide with dinner, phone calls and the exact moment I finally sit down with a cup of tea.

The walls rattle. My dog hides under the bed. My husband now narrates our evenings like a war correspondent: "And at 7:14 p.m., the snare has returned."

We have spoken to him twice, very politely. He smiles, apologizes and says he is "working on a set." Then the next day it starts all over again. I do not want to be the cranky neighbor, but I also did not realize homeownership came with a front-row seat to a drum solo.

How do we handle this without starting a neighborhood feud? -- Beaten Down by the Beat

Dear Beaten Down: You are not asking for the moon. You are asking for a little peace and quiet in your own living room, which is still legal in most states.

You have already done the neighborly thing twice. Since his apology seems to have a shorter shelf life than milk, try one more conversation. Give him the hours that are hardest on you, and ask for set practice times. "Please stop" is easy to forget. "No drumming during dinner and after 8 p.m." is harder to miss.

If he keeps auditioning for the neighborhood against your will, check your local noise rules or HOA policy. That is not being petty. That is using the grown-up version of drumsticks.

A good neighbor can keep a beat without beating down the neighbors.

Dear Annie: My sister and I have always been close, or at least I thought we were. Lately, though, every conversation turns into a competition. If I mention I'm tired, she's exhausted. If I say I'm stressed, her life is apparently one long parade of disasters. Last week, I told her I was excited my son made the honor roll, and she somehow turned it into a 20-minute speech about her daughter's science fair ribbon.

I love her, but spending time with her leaves me feeling smaller, not closer. I do not want to start a family feud over something that sounds petty, but it is hard to ignore how often she makes everything about herself. Is there a kind way to address this without sounding overly sensitive? -- Second Place in My Own Story

Dear Second Place: Some people do not converse; they compete. Your sister may not even realize she is turning every chat into the Olympics of suffering and success.

You do not need a feud. You need a gentle truth. Try telling your sister, "I love talking with you, but sometimes I feel unheard when the subject changes so quickly." Keep it simple and calm.

If she listens, wonderful. If not, adjust your expectations and protect your peace. Even with family, every conversation does not need to be a tug-of-war.

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is stop handing someone the microphone.

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"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.