Forever Competing With Spouse's Twin
Dear Annie: I am married to a man who has an identical twin brother. Our marriage is in trouble because my husband favors his twin over me.
His brother thinks my husband should always help him out when he has a failed relationship -- and that's happened a lot. His twin also has had trouble holding down a job.
My husband and I have helped his twin seven times now with a place to stay when his wife, or a girlfriend in between a marriage, kicks him out. My husband and I have been together 15 years, and seven times is ridiculous! This last time, my husband moved his twin into our house while I was at work and didn't even ask me about it. We got into a huge argument about this, and I have decided to call it quits. I married one of the twins, not both.
During our argument, my husband flat-out told me that his twin comes before me, that he was there before I was. His twin has even done things in the past to break up our relationship. He told my husband he has seen me out with other men, and he said that my kids aren't his, so quit being bothered with them. When my husband and I are alone, without his twin invading our space, we are good. My husband calls himself a Christian, but I thought the Bible says your spouse comes first.
I have decided to leave my husband and get out of this situation. It's going to be hard, but I can't keep putting up with this all the time. I even suggested counseling for my husband and me, but he says he doesn't need it. What is sad is that my husband has raised my kids since they were 1 and 2 years old. They know this man as their dad, and it is no good for my kids to hear him say these things to me. He should set an example of how a husband should treat a wife.
Annie, am I wrong for walking away from this and starting over with just me and the kids? -- Not Feeling Like his Wife
Dear Not Feeling Like His Wife: Starting over with you and your children is never easy and not a decision that should be taken lightly. What your brother-in-law is doing is toxic, but before you call it quits, I suggest you go to couples therapy with your husband -- insist on it. You could also talk about the four of you (you and your husband plus the twin and his spouse) going, assuming his twin is still married. I know that twins have a very unique and special bond. Are any of my readers twins or the spouses of twins who have some advice as to how to proceed?
If your husband continues to allow his brother to be more of a priority in his life than you, then yes, you are left with no choice but to leave.
"How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to email@example.com.