ArcaMax

Dear Eric: My brother and I are helping an elderly cousin who has cancer. Her chemo treatments have terrible side effects, and she is requiring more and more care because of this. Ideally, she would be getting home health care or would move to an assisted living facility. However, she does not have cash flow to pay for services.

She wishes her niece to inherit her home. It has been in our family for a century. However, this niece has mental health issues, lives 700 miles away and does not fly or drive. Inheriting this house would be a burden not a blessing to this niece.

We have tried to bring up the subject of selling the house and using some of the money for her own care, but she refuses. The end result is my brother, a friend of hers, and I are all being asked to provide way more care than we feel comfortable doing because she will not spend money for needed care.

The friend who finds it difficult to set boundaries. We've coached him on how to do this, but it hasn't been effective. He does let us know this has become a burden for him.

I am very willing to bring up this subject with her and am going to meet the friend again to discuss boundaries, but I would like to know some ways to keep the conversation non-judgmental and positive.

– Growing Tired

Dear Growing Tired: One part of holding a healthy boundary with your cousin may involve setting a boundary with the overly helpful friend. It sounds like, despite your efforts, you’re being drawn further into this situation by taking on the responsibility of coaching him. This places you at the center, which creates more strain and stress. He has to be responsible for doing what he can and communicating with your cousin about what his limits are. Release yourself from the responsibility of managing this part of the situation.

With regard to your cousin, be honest with her about how impossible the situation has become. Tell her that you’re in it with her, but that the way it’s going now isn’t working for anyone. Ask her to help you think through some solutions. This relieves you of some of the burden of giving her an ultimatum and encourages her to continue to be an active part of her care plan.

If you haven’t already done so, reach out to the niece. It’s not clear to me if she knows about the plan to leave her the house. This could be an opportunity for her to have an honest conversation with your cousin about whether she wants it, which could, in turn, free your cousin up to make other choices, including renting it or selling it.

Dear Eric: I am writing in response to the letter from the son who is tired of having to Google the answers to questions from his dad ("Not Google").

My husband and I have been together for 25 years. My family used to comment frequently about our conversations, that it was amazing we could talk about everything and nothing for hours and be so pleased.

But time and life marched on. My husband and I have grown apart. Recently I've really struggled to get something back that we can hold onto, and I have focused a lot of my efforts on rebuilding our conversations. In the last decade or so, my husband has developed a healthy addiction to the supercomputer in his pocket. If I try to start a conversation, he will whip out Google and immediately end it with a definitive "answer". This bothers me to no end.

I have asked my husband to stop pulling out his phone during our conversations and it's something we argue about (unfortunately). He feels like there is access to the answer, so why shouldn't we just get it? It's just from reading Not Google's letter that I realized what my point is: the goal of a good conversation is the journey, not a particular destination.

– Not Looking for Google

Dear Not Looking: Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope that you’re able to recapture some of the ease you found in early conversations with your husband. I want to applaud you for not settling for something less than what you want. Every relationship goes through its changes, just as the people inside change. We owe it to ourselves and to each other to keep being creative and curious about how to maintain connections that matter to us.

You may also appreciate using conversational prompts, like the card games Where Should We Begin by Esther Perel or The And by a company called Skin Deep. You can even write your own prompts, based on things you used to enjoy discussing or memories you share.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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