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Ask Amy: Facebook enables another hookup

Amy Dickinson, Tribune Content Agency on

Dear Amy: Recently I received a Facebook friend request from “Frank,” a man I had an affair with 20 years ago.

This was more than an affair because Frank and I were best friends. We talked about everything!

I would have left my then-boyfriend for him back then, as that relationship was going south fast.

Frank and I both ended up with other people and lost contact.

Frank tells me that his relationship with his wife is like they’re roommates and that he is seeing someone on the side, but would like to "catch up."

I'd love to do this because he started talking about our past and our amazing sexual chemistry, reminding me of what it was like to be with him.

I'm conflicted because I'm in a relationship where due to medical reasons my partner can't perform sexually anymore.

Now I can't stop thinking about Frank, but I have my concerns.

What should I do?

– Lost Love

Dear Lost Love: “Frank” is telling you that he is having sex outside his marriage, and he is offering to add you to his stable of willing partners. You two have an affair-history, so tag – you’re it!

Ah, Facebook. Facebook was founded in 2004 by some smarty-pants college students whose one goal was to get women.

Now, 20 years later and with an estimated three billion users, the site has reached its full potential: Geezers scraping through their pasts to hook up.

Your current partner might be willing to open up your relationship to agree with your desire to pursue this sexual experience with Frank. If you are in an exclusive committed relationship with him, the ethical thing to do is to discuss this.

I suspect that despite your own concerns, you will run headlong into this. I can only hope that scratching this itch doesn’t cause you or others too much pain.

Dear Amy: I recently became engaged to my boyfriend, “Harry.”

Harry and I have been in a relationship for three years.

I deeply love him, but I'm facing a problem with his parents, who seem to dislike me.

His folks often behave in a passive-aggressive manner toward me. They have sent me threatening texts, such as: "Don't get married to my son" and "You're a bad influence on my son.”

They also said that they would not be attending the wedding.

Recently, they stopped all communication with Harry. He’s their son!

 

Harry has always had a close relationship with his father, and not seeing him for weeks has been affecting him.

Although Harry tells me he is OK, I can see that he is not.

He is often hostile toward me, blaming me for ruining his relationship with his parents. He refuses to talk to me about this and when I have brought it up, he will ignore me for the next few hours until I apologize.

This is hurtful, and I'm considering canceling the wedding. However, I understand that he is under tremendous pressure at the moment, and I'm not sure what to do.

Can you please help me with some advice?

– Confused in Connecticut

Dear Confused: “Harry’s” parents are demanding that he pick sides, and he is.

Harry is choosing his parents. He might not talk like he is choosing them, but he is. He is choosing them by behaving like them.

And even if Harry were not choosing his parents over you – the behavior you describe is a red flag in terms of how he responds to confusion or conflict. Freezing you out until you apologize for trying to discuss an important conflict is NOT a balanced, appropriate or peaceful way to treat someone you love.

His folks are doing this to him, and he is doing this to you.

Wedding planning can be a stressful, high-conflict period that tests relationships. But the marrying couple is supposed to pass these tests.

Canceling the wedding is up to you. But if you go ahead and marry Harry without resolving this conflict in a peaceful and loving way, the consequence of the choice to marry will be long-lasting and quite possibly heartbreaking.

Dear Amy: What a sweet response to “Concerned Mom,” whose 7-year-old son didn’t want to grow up.

I remember feeling this way! On my eighth birthday, I told my mom that I wanted to stay seven. She asked if I wanted to take one candle off of the cake … and I did.

I appreciate remembering what a great mom I had.

– Grateful

Dear Grateful: Forever seven. I like it.

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(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)

©2024 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.



 

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