Ask Amy: Newlywed struggles learning to say ‘no’
– Daughter-in-Law in Training
Dear Daughter-in-Law: You are going to need to establish very firm boundaries with your mother-in-law, basically training her (and yourself) toward a new way of relating and communicating.
You should have a meeting with your husband to discuss your concerns and intentions. Keep in mind, always, that she is his mother and that his attachment to her is one that you should respect, but unless this current dynamic changes, it will negatively affect your marriage.
Let him know that you need to reduce your own frustration and anger when you feel pressured to do her bidding.
This should start with you learning to say “no” and managing your own fears regarding the way your mother-in-law might respond or retaliate. (If she won’t take no for an answer, then “rinse and repeat.”)
Do your best to be both frank and polite – even if she is not.
When you have asked her to help you out, she declines! Let her teach you by example: “Sorry, but I’m busy.” “I’m going to have to say no.” “I’m going to say no. I have a lot on my plate.”
Rehearse responses and train yourself to stay calm. Do not lay on layers of excuses or details. If you need a date night, you should hire a babysitter.
Author Susan Forward has called this type of mother-in-law “the Engulfer.” You might benefit from reading her book, “Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage” (HarperCollins, 2010).
Dear Amy: I’m a woman in my mid-30s living and working in a major metropolitan area.
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