ArcaMax

I've never confronted him about his drinking, but I'd like to ask him not to call when he's been drinking. How do I get this message across when he denies he has a problem?

After this most recent voicemail, I've been tempted to call him back and ask if everything is OK because he sounded really out of it.

How do you suggest I conduct this conversation?

– Not Picking Up

Dear Not Picking Up: You don’t actually know if your friend denies he has a problem, because you’ve never attempted to discuss it with him. His daughter’s experience trying to address this might be very different from your own.

You know your friend drinks too much. He knows he drinks too much. He will only address his drinking when he is ready. This is not up to you.

Realistically, confronting him about it is not going to send him into recovery, but because this is an ongoing concern for you, you do have the responsibility to let him know how his drinking affects you.

Yes, you should call and ask if everything is OK because of the garbled voicemail message he left. You should also tell him that he drunk-dials you fairly often, which is why you don’t pick up his calls in the evening. Let him know that you are always happy to talk to him, but it’s easier for you when he is sober.

This might be embarrassing or awkward for you both, but I suggest that you accept his situation for what it is. Do not assume that your honesty will change his drinking or alter the course of his disease, and continue to keep in touch with him.

Dear Amy: My brother stopped talking to my mom and me sometime during the pandemic. We were never told why; he just quit answering all forms of communication.

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