Ask Amy: A secret friendship harms intimacy
That’s the root of the problem, and that’s on you.
You should be transparent about this friendship, with the goal that your current partner will get to know Frederica well enough to accept the friendship and trust both of you. The two women do not need to become besties (or even meet). But the more natural you are about this friendship, the less threatening it should be.
Do not leave the room if Frederica calls. Saying something as simple as, “Can I call you back? Molly and I are just sitting down to dinner” will help to open this up.
When Frederica texts you and Molly is around, say, “Frederica is texting me about a work thing,” or “Frederica just sent me a link to an article. You’d like it. Let me forward it to you.”
You and Frederica have a pre-existing friendship. That’s your right. But if you are going to be in a close and intimate relationship with Molly, then you will have to make it clear to her that she is at the center of your universe; Frederica is one of many friends who will be in your orbit. Your secrecy is flipping that script.
Dear Amy: What does it mean (if anything) when a husband cuts off his facial hair, such as a goatee and or beard, and his wife doesn’t notice for a day or two, even when you are together?
– Baffled
Dear Baffled: My mother had a friend who decided to test her family’s attention by appearing at the breakfast table wearing a full-on ski mask.
No one said a word.
The point is that families sometimes stop seeing one another. Proximity can inspire invisibility.
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