ArcaMax

The wife thinks that in order to put this behind them and move forward to address fundamental issues in the marriage, the other woman needs to be completely expunged from his life and never return. She believes he needs to earn her trust back because he broke his promise and was dishonest.

What is your take?

– Asking For a Friend

Dear Asking: Many times over the years, I have recommended that couples seeking to understand and recover from infidelity should read the groundbreaking research of Shirley Glass, illuminated in her important book “Not ‘Just Friends’: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity” (co-written with Jean Coppock Staeheli and published by Atria in 2004). Almost 20 years after its first publication, this book remains a “recovery bible” for many couples in crisis.

The husband in this scenario no doubt believes that he is moving in the right direction – from sexual affair, to emotional affair, to politeness on the telephone.

But what he refuses to acknowledge is that each time he has any contact with his affair partner, this returns his wife to square one – reminded of the infidelity, afraid of renewed infidelity, and unable/unwilling to trust her husband.

Transparency is the way back to intimacy. And yes, he should refuse all contact with the affair partner.

This is the tough slog back to trust; talking with a couples counselor would help both parties.

Dear Amy: Every year, I become overwhelmed at the ramp up to the holiday season and don’t manage to send more than a couple of holiday cards from my long list. The boxes of unused cards are starting to pile up.

Any suggestions?

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