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A Scots Pessimist

Humor / Jokes /

A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.

Perfume Counter

Humor / Jokes /

A teenage girl shopped at the mall and stopped at the perfume counter.

She sees, "My Sin", "Desire", and "Ecstasy".

She says to the salesperson, "I don't want to get emotionally involved...I just want to smell nice."

Plea

Humor / Jokes /

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges."

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save ...Read more

Top Morons for the Year

Humor / Jokes /

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.

Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting t! o subdue a gunman...Read more

New Internet Slang with Cole Sprouse

Humor / Jokes /

Cole Sprouse gives a backstage update on all the hottest Internet slang of the moment.

ArchiTV, Buster Keaton - One Week

Humor / Jokes /

One Week is a 1920 American short comedy film starring comedian Buster Keaton, the first film to be released made by Keaton on his own.

Late Night Funny #4

Humor / Jokes /

On Saturday, the word ‘s-hole’ was projected onto Trump’s D.C. hotel. It got even worse when Motel 6 sued them for copyright infringement.

Jimmy Fallon

Late Night Funny #3

Humor / Jokes /

A new study has found that doing facial exercises can actually make people look younger. While not doing them can make people look trapped.

Seth Meyers

Late Night Funny #2

Humor / Jokes /

According to a juicy report this weekend, Donald Trump paid a porn star $130,000 to stay silent over an alleged affair. That is truly shocking: that Donald Trump paid one of his contractors.

Stephen Colbert

James Taylor Sings "Fire and Fury" ("Fire and Rain" Parody)

Humor / Jokes /

James Taylor debuts “Fire and Fury” - a parody of his classic “Fire and Rain.” Full Lyrics below: Just yesterday morning, Breitbart announced you were gone. Bannon, the tell-all book put an end to you.

Late Night Funny #1

Humor / Jokes /

Former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci defended Trump, saying, ‘At the end of the day, he’s not a racist.’ Then he said, ‘During the day, it’s a different story.’

Jimmy Fallon

Pull Buddy

Humor / Jokes /

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull...Read more

Rare Birds

Humor / Jokes /

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

Judge: "Proceed."

Man: "I got ...Read more

Obvious Relationship

Humor / Jokes /

Science has a language of its own which sometimes puzzles laymen. The word "obvious" is a case in point.

A professor of physics, deriving some profound point of theory for the class, scribbled an equation on the board and said, "From this, it is obvious that we can proceed to write the following relationship..." and he scribbled a second and ...Read more

The Rabbit

Humor / Jokes /

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After ...Read more

Five Gifts Not to Buy a Woman

Humor / Jokes /

1. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

2. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that ...Read more

Noises Dads Make

Humor / Jokes /

When you have a child, your bones automatically turn into sidewalk chalk.

Messed-Up Bible Stories 2 - Adam and Eve

Humor / Jokes /

God creates woman... chaos ensues.

Late Night Funny #4

Humor / Jokes /

After several reports that key White House officials are planning to leave the administration, Donald Trump has now asked his staff to decide by the end of the month whether they’re going to quit or stay on through the November midterm elections. They’re asking THEIR STAFF who’s going to be leaving the White House — right now, they ...Read more

Late Night Funny #3

Humor / Jokes /

Trump reportedly said, ‘Why are we having all these people from [expletive] countries come here?’ Sir, they’re not [expletive] countries: For one, Donald Trump isn’t their president.

Seth Meyers

 

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