Trump called the story ‘old, boring and bad’ — which is also how Stormy Daniels described the sex they had.”
This is like finding out that Superman was actually born in Cleveland, and he can’t even fly — it’s just an elaborate system of pulleys.”
The New York Times has reported that Trump got an allowance from his dad that made him a millionaire by age 8. And this is cute: By age 9, he’d already filed for his first bankruptcy.
Donald Trump's EPA is trying to put the 'rad' back in radiation.
A high school cheerleader in Michigan is being investigated by police officers after allegedly giving out pot brownies in exchange for homecoming queen votes. Finally, someone who can get young people out to the polls.”
Finna Gettit and the gang cover all the local happenings.
Seth's favorite jokes from the week of October 1.
Amazon C.E.O. Jeff Bezos was No. 1 on Forbes Magazine’s annual list of 400 richest Americans. Bezos said he owes his success to his two best friends, Shipping and Handling.”
Former President Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton were spotted last night here in New York at Christina Aguilera’s concert. Said Bill: ‘Hillary? What are you doing here?’
That’s right, a new play about Hillary Clinton will open on Broadway next year, and critics are already calling for an investigation.”
CNN interviews Republican Senators Mitch McConnell (Beck Bennett), Lindsey Graham (Kate McKinnon), Susan Collins (Cecily Strong), Jeff Flake (Pete Davidson) and Arizona prosecutor Rachel Mitchell (Aidy Bryant) as well as Democratic Senators Chuck Schumer (Alex Moffatt) and Joe Manchin (Mikey Day) about the confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh to the ...Read more
It was announced today that a play about Hillary Clinton will open on Broadway next year, and if it’s anything like the real Hillary, it’ll run for 30 years and never win anything.”
Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds. He sees Joe and asks him, "Joe, how much is three times three?" Joe responds "59." He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?" Tom responds, "Wednesday." He finally goes over to John and asks, "John, how much is three times three?" "NINE" replies John. "That's ...Read more
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, ...Read more
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria.
"Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?"one asked.
"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied.
"How was he going to do it?"
"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, ...Read more
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. Nearing the final curtain, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the...Read more
The element, tentatively, named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- One of the few rules I live by, and repeat in print ad nauseam, is that there is no such thing as a thought crime. I codify this to: If What Happens in the Brain Stays in the Brain, No Sin Has Occurred, However Awful the Thought. I recently began to reconsider the wisdom of this rule. It happened during the Supreme Court ...Read more
... continued from above
There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 ...Read more
... continued from above
I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after ...Read more