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Foreign Language

Humor / Jokes /

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.

The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

21st Century Marriage

Humor / Jokes /

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife.

As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please ...Read more

Some System

Humor / Jokes /

Each Friday night I drove my wife to the train station so she could go visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, my sister arrived by train so that she could help with the house and kids over the weekend while my wife was gone. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train 10 minutes before my wife arrived....Read more

Handwriting

Humor / Jokes /

In school one day, a teacher asked my six-year-old son why his handwriting wasn't as neat as it usually was.

"I'm trying out a new font," he explained.

Memory

Humor / Jokes /

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack ...Read more

Painting Shows it All

Humor / Jokes /

At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture.

"What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed.

"What painter?"

"The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'."

"Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!"

"That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"

Politician's Sandwich

Humor / Jokes /

On the Listening Tour, a prominent politician was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town he was visiting had named a sandwich after him.

He was somewhat less pleased after he found out what was in it.

"Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.

Eulogy

Humor / Jokes /

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's ...Read more

Joining The Army

Humor / Jokes /

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really ...Read more

Eggplants

Humor / Jokes /

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 each -- three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix ...Read more

Jokes Seth Can't Tell: Gingerbread People, One Hour in Jail

Humor / Jokes /

There are some jokes that just sound wrong coming from Seth, like the one about the Rosa Parks movie.

Late Night Funny #4

Humor / Jokes /

A Virginia woman’s home was filled with over 100 praying mantises over the holidays after the bugs hatched in her Christmas tree. ‘So Santa did get my letter!’ said her weird kid.

Seth Meyers

Late Night Funny #3

Humor / Jokes /

This week the White House was caught several times making up statistics about the border situation. In response, Trump said, ‘That is a lie and 150 percent of people agree with me.’

Jimmy Fallon

Late Night Funny #2

Humor / Jokes /

Thanks to Trump, we’ve learned that during an actual emergency a president can do much more than build a wall. He can just shut down your internet, send the troops in. He can just control the country. So if I’m the Democrats, I would just give Trump the wall before he finds out what he can really do. I know it sounds crazy, but right now, he...Read more

Here’s What Will Happen if Trump Declares a State of Emergency | The Daily Show

Humor / Jokes /

Trump threatens to declare a national emergency in order to get his border wall built, which would give him the power to shut down communications facilities, freeze bank accounts and deploy the military domestically.

Late Night Funny #1

Humor / Jokes /

A cat that went missing from its owner in Michigan for over two months was recently found over 1,000 miles away in Florida. Or, some cats look the same.

Seth Meyers

$1,000 Bet

Humor / Jokes /

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I...Read more

Newly Issued Alcohol Warnings

Humor / Jokes /

The American Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards ...Read more

Lena's Divorce

Humor / Jokes /

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support.

He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."

"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

For The Kids...

Humor / Jokes /

Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A: Because you can't bury them in trees!

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make both ends meet!

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!

Q: Why do dogs wag their tails?
A: "Because no one else will do it for ...Read more

 

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