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Q: Our 23-year-old son recently graduated from college and is living with us again. We also have two young teens in the house. We know we should treat our adult son differently in terms of rules and expectations. But we're concerned about how this might affect the younger kids. Help!?

Jim: A growing number of families are facing similar situations these days. Even though you're still his parents, your son is an adult and should be respected and treated as one.

Of course, this does NOT mean he's exempt from rules of any kind while in your home. You should expect the same from him that you would from any other adult boarder renting a room in your house. Standards are essential wherever people share living space. However, they shouldn't exist to control your son's actions or attitudes. Instead, the rules you implement should be for the purpose of preserving order and safeguarding the best interests of the entire household.

With this in mind, it's reasonable to stipulate that everyone pick up after themselves and keep shared spaces clear of personal clutter. All should agree to uphold family standards of decency and propriety -- including maintaining respect for other people's privacy and property. If you feel it's appropriate that the older son should contribute to the financial burden of running the household, hold him to that.

This arrangement shouldn't have a negative impact on your two teenagers. The key is to clarify the distinction between minors and adults. Part of that process is explaining the reasons for the different rules that apply to their older brother while he's living at home. Meanwhile, assure them that the time is rapidly approaching when they will also have to carry the entire burden of responsibility for their behavior. As teens, they should already be moving in that direction.

Q: I try to be a good dad -- I take care of my family, spend time with my kids and go to their activities. But my wife says I'm not always loving in the way I talk to them. Are my words really that important?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Our words can encourage or tear down, connect or divide. The key is whether the words you commonly use are life-giving ... or critical and damaging. Here are some things to consider about how your words impact your children:

-- Are they true? You need discernment to determine the truths your child needs to hear. For example, it might be accurate to tell a child he isn't good at a particular thing -- but what's your purpose in saying that? Also, be sure to follow up with something the child does well to convey life-giving confidence. And if your child has heard destructive lies about their identity and value, bolster a proper perspective by communicating the truth about who they are.

-- Are they encouraging? Sometimes kids just need to hear that things are going to be all right. They also need you to talk about good qualities they know or suspect they have -- or maybe (especially) the positive traits they didn't know they had.

-- Are they loving? You don't want to look back with regret someday, wishing you had said "I love you" more.

-- Are they helpful? Words of redirection and correction can teach important concepts about life, relationships, responsibility, work and finances.

Here are some great words that can build life in your child by modeling respect and love:

-- Thank you.

-- I love you.

-- That was brave/kind/responsible.

-- You are capable/trustworthy/smart/a leader.

-- I missed you.

-- That's probably not a good idea -- a better choice would be ...

-- I enjoy spending time with you.

-- I'm sorry.

For more practical tips and resources, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com/Parenting.

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Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

Copyright 2026 Focus On The Family. (This feature may not by reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without written permission of Focus on the Family.)

COPYRIGHT 2026 Andrews McMeel Syndication. This feature may not be reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without the written permission of Andrews McMeel Syndication.