In the ’80s, when he was a local assistant district attorney, Moore was banned from an Alabama shopping mall for bothering teenage girls. The only place in the mall the girls were safe was Forever 21, because that is way too old for Roy Moore.
President Trump is headed home after his trip to Asia. And I saw that at one point, 2,000 protesters in the Philippines were shouting, ‘Go home!’ While back in America, 60 million people were shouting, ‘Stay there!’”
Let me break it down like this: The TPP is a lot like T.P., O.K.? I’ll tell you what happened to me with my roommate once: He insisted on buying the [expletive] cheap toilet paper that you could find. I hated it, and I was like, ‘We gotta get rid of the toilet paper.’ So he did, but he didn’t replace it with anything else. And if you don...Read more
Alabama senate candidate Roy Moore had to travel out of town if he wanted Sbarro.
Jeff Sessions testified again as part of the Russia investigation, and at one point he was questioned about his stance on marijuana. Because, you know, it’s a little odd when a guy’s anti-weed but seems to forget every conversation he’s ever had.
"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."
"Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."
"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"
"Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."
"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've ...Read more
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: ...Read more
On her way back from the concession stand, Julie asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?"
Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did."
Julie nodded, and noted, "Oh good. Then this is my row."
Kids are smarter than they used to be. And they do say the dandiest things! Check out the following wisecracks and wisdom and you be the judge!
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
TEACHER: That's impossible.
The last black unicorn (Tiffany Haddish) answers teens' (Beck Bennett, Melissa Villaseñor, Aidy Bryant) questions about the future.
Martha Kent and Martha Wayne are so looking forward to hanging out with Martha Aqua and Martha Wonder to discuss the new Justice League movie. Or, maybe they’ll just watch Steel Magnolias.
By now, you’ve probably heard of Alabama senatorial candidate and former judge Roy Moore. Last week, allegations surfaced that when Moore was an assistant district attorney in the 1970s, he had sexual contact with a 14-year-old. Which would be appropriate only if he were a 14-year-old assistant district attorney. You’d think all this would ...Read more
During the entire interview Sean Hannity gives Roy Moore so many chances to defend himself, and he just cannot answer a yes-or-no question. ‘O.K., but you never stole a bus full of 16-year-olds and brought them to a secret lair, right?’ ‘Well, it certainly doesn’t sound like something I would do. I mean, I don’t remember being on a bus...Read more
It came out that Donald Trump Jr. was in direct contact with WikiLeaks during last year’s election. You can tell that Don Jr.’s in trouble because his dad just demoted him to Eric.
President Trump isn't exactly defusing the threat of nuclear war with North Korea by 'not' calling its leader 'short and fat.'
So, Roy Moore defines himself completely by the Bible — except for the parts about ‘Thou shalt not be gross.’
... continued from above
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what...Read more
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window.
"Five ...Read more
Have you been following this steroid scandal? This is first time in baseball history that the players have more additives in them than the hot dogs.