I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. - Erica Jong
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. - Roseanne
My husband and I ...Read more
No matter how much the government fights it, organized crime just seems to get more organized every day. The police pulled in a Mob kingpin recently and reminded him he had the right to make a phone call.
"Just fax the arrest report to my lawyer," the mobster said calmly.
- If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
- Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the...Read more
- Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
- Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
- Insist that your e-mail address is "zena_goddess_of_fire@...Read more
If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.
The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English ...Read more
From fancy PBS comes a show where anything can happen and none of the continuity matters- it's Honest Trailers for Doctor Who! (Modern Version)
... continued from above
8. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct.
7. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.
6. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe.
5. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big ...Read more
... continued from above
12. Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy" display.
11. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.
10. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.
9. The "My Little Taxidermy ...Read more
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with ...Read more
Morris goes to the rabbi and says, "I committed a sin and I want to know what I can do to repent."
"What was the sin?" the rabbi asked.
"It happened just once," Morris assures him. "I didn't wash my hands and recite the blessing before eating bread."
"Nu, if it really only happened once," the rabbi said, "that's not so terrible. Nonetheless, ...Read more
18) You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
19) You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife show.
20) You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
21) You don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.
These two blondes rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They're amazed at the number of fish that they catch, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"
The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"
The first blonde then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll...Read more
One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."
When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'...Read more
The homeowner got into his old work clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores his wife had been urging him to do all week. He cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and called out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"
The fellow thought for...Read more
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end-to-end around the equator, it would be a good idea to leave them there.
Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A: The car salesman knows when he's lying to you.
The Women Men Don't See - People Watching Season 2, Episode 7
A painting by the mysterious street artist Banksy self-destructed after it sold for $1.4 million. Some experts say the stunt boosts the artwork's value. Roxana Saberi reports.
Trump called the story ‘old, boring and bad’ — which is also how Stormy Daniels described the sex they had.”
This is like finding out that Superman was actually born in Cleveland, and he can’t even fly — it’s just an elaborate system of pulleys.”