... continued from above

4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't *possibly* be that you're a jerkhead. There's obviously a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing it.

5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the Yin & Yang of Flaming). Threatening a ...Read more

When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.

I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. One ...Read more

My housecat went down to the local military recruiting depot to sign up for the service. He came back about two hours later and sadly explained that he couldn't enlist because he would have to be "de-furred."

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free... You either ...Read more

A German farmer with relatives in the US promised them some fresh pork sausages made by hand from his very own stock of pigs.

But as the weeks went by, they gave him a call to complain that the package had not yet arrived.

He told them, "Don't worry. The wurst is yet to come."

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Isn't it obvious?" the second blonde responded. "They're watch dogs!"

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. ...Read more

- Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck she is.

- The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could...Read more

1. "Aw, look captain! A cute furry animal!"

2. "I am fluent in over six mil..."

3. "No, sorry. You JUST missed the last Kenner figure."

4. "You seen that Vader guy's liver spots? Eeew!"

5. To Lando: "Hiya master!"

6. "There's a nice, big open cave in that asteroid right over there..."

7. "Emperor my butt!"

8. "Boba Fett? What a wuss!"

...Read more

During the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface.

"Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man."

At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. They followed the source of the ...Read more

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.

He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition."

In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction."

Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.

And both together smiled and said, "That's ...Read more

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear ...Read more

Having moved 15 times during our 37-year marriage, my husband and I appreciate movers who take the time to label carefully boxes they pack for us.

The accuracy of labels can make a huge difference when we try to find something right away.

My favorite was done by one guy who attached this sticker to a box - obviously not knowing how to ...Read more

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.

2. Bandage left thumb.

3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments

4. Bandage left foot.

5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand).

6. Light Match.

7. Light Match.

8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.

9. Apply match to slivers, add ...Read more

An old man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. The old man replies, in a thick acccent, "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the ...Read more

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. --George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year. --Victor Borge

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. --Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a ...Read more

Catch and Release -

A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook -

1. A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. 2. A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel. 3. The punch ...Read more

In a plane that's about to crash, there are three passengers: the wisest man on earth, a student, and a politician.

When they find out that the plane is about to go down and there is only one parachute between the three of them they debate about who would sacrifice his life for the country and who will jump to safety.

The politician says he's...Read more

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons...Read more