Dame Emma Thompson flies over from London to help Stephen tell harmless little lies about some adorable, adoptable puppies from North Shore Animal League. Visit their website today to find your new best friend!
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching ...Read more
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious.
"What trick is that my dear?" she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire ...Read more
It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them.
The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. Finally the trainer goosed him -- and the elephant blew out a whole trunkful of downy feathers.
Yep! That's what he gets for snorting quack.
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of ...Read more
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag ...Read more
A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally ...Read more
At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . .having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . ... . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age ...Read more
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside..
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.
Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.
Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.
Purrson: A male kitty.
Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.
Here's a chance to see Bill Maher, host of Politically Incorrect and HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher working out his political chops in a very early standup routine on the Merv Griffin Show from November 2, 1984. Merv Griffin had over 5000 guests appear on his show from 1963-1986.
Oscar winner Henry Fonda discusses the time he played a villain in Sergio Leone's Once Upon A Time In The West and talks through the dramatic opening scene in which he murders a family.
How Craig Ferguson Became a Flirting God w/ Women on Late Late Show:
It's a big night at the show - Scotty has stepped in for Pete and Sipsmith has given our bar a big upgrade just in time for summer and our week of shows in London. And we recap President Joe Biden's unfortunate fall while biking in Delaware over the weekend before the group debates whether mathematics is right in naming Robert Pattinson the ...Read more
In honor of Juneteenth, Roy Wood Jr. highlights stories of slaves who were able to escape from servitude before slavery was technically ended in 1865
Tech-head Stephen Colbert examines survey results indicating humans are ready to try sex with robots, and contemplates rolling through Taco Bell's futuristic new drive through in the latest edition of "Cyborgasm."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. ...Read more
1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. When he ...Read more