Men would rather be haunted by spirits on Christmas Eve than go to therapy. Charles Dickens certainly got that right when he wrote “A Christmas Carol” in 1843, the novella about the true spirit of Christmas that’s been adapted again, and again, and again. We’ve done it with Muppets, we’ve done it with dance, we’ve done it as a musical, and now, in “Ebenezer,” with Johnny Depp. The good news is that he’s completely unrecognizable.

Is it 2008? Who asked for a dark, gritty reboot of “A Christmas Carol”? If you’re wondering if there’s an edgy, modern cover of “Carol of the Bells,” you bet there is. If only this version featured a dark, sexy Scrooge, then we might be getting somewhere interesting. Instead, we’ve got Depp in old age makeup, delivering a mumbly, grumbly, bumbly performance of reheated Jack Sparrow that lands just this side of clowning. With his top hat, upside-down U grimace and perpetual sneering, he might as well be playing Penguin from “Batman Returns.”

Ti West directs a script by Nathaniel Halpern, which is faithful to the book, exploring the past, present and future of Scrooge’s miserable, miserly life. Given the opportunity to reexamine his own childhood trauma, and glimpses of the harsh reality experienced by the people around him, he promptly develops empathy and decides to change his crotchety ways when he wakes up from his spooky nightmare about ghosts.

West is primarily known as a horror director, particularly with his recent X trilogy, made up of “X,” “Pearl” and “MaXXXine.” So his take on “A Christmas Carol” is Gothic and ghoul-filled, with the Spirits of Christmases Past (Andrea Riseborough), Present (Tramell Tillman) and Future (Robert Strange) genuinely terrifying monsters. The world onscreen is a gray monotone and seemingly freezing, a real cheery holiday affair, but the adaptation is so direct and straightforward, the lessons so obvious and well-trod, that one wonders who “Ebenezer” is for. Families? Kids? Not adults, that’s for sure.

Not even a troupe of Britain’s most game and talented actors can inject life into this thing. Sir Ian McKellen plays Jacob Marley, Scrooge’s similarly grouchy and greedy business partner; Rupert Grint co-stars as Bob Cratchit, pathetic clerk and father to Tiny Tim (Freddie Lee-Grey), the sickly child who tugs at Scrooge’s heart strings. Sam Claflin plays Scrooge’s nephew Fred, Daisy Ridley his wife.

Seemingly every character actor in England surrounds Depp to try to make this work. Depp stands out like a sore thumb, but that works for the misanthropic Scrooge. Mugging and sputtering, his schtick is familiar enough, but not necessarily funny, even though he’s ostensibly the comic relief. The best part of the whole film is a lively world-building montage during the opening credits, which West quickly abandons in favor of his antihero’s journey.

Halpern’s script isn’t exactly thrilling, and neither is West’s direction. He throws a few crash zooms and split diopter shots at the smoke-colored sludge, enlivened only by scarlet chapter titles, but even the cheeky 1970s references aren’t enough to elevate this interminably dull endeavor. The whole thing is just unpleasant to look at, and terribly boring. It doesn’t innovate at all on the “A Christmas Carol” story we know so well, aside from draining all color from it.

The intended audience is a mystery, as is the motivation for tackling a project like this to begin with. It is unfathomable to imagine that this might be a future Christmas classic — perish the thought of watching this more than once. As a wise man once said: Bah! Humbug!

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'EBENEZER'

1.5 stars (out of 4)

MPA rating: PG-13 (for frightening material)

Running time: 1:56

How to watch: In theaters Nov. 13

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