Is your Thanksgiving meal regimented?
Tyrades! by Danny Tyree
If my childhood Thanksgiving memories serve me correctly (and I think they do, since I have this vivid image of Plymouth Rock involving just a bill sitting here on Capitol Hill…)
*Ahem* Start over. If my childhood Thanksgiving memories serve me correctly, my extended family’s mention of the things for which we were thankful arose organically during the course of the meal.
On the other hand, I know many families are less organic and more “douse siblings and cousins with petrochemicals and guilt them into reciting what they’re grateful for.”
Yes, such families have a master of ceremonies in charge of this time-honored/awkward/think-I-left-the-water-running-in-my-apartment ritual. The MC may not be able to master matching his socks or remembering his passwords, but give him a ceremony and he can master that sucker like a champ.
I consulted AI in preparing a list of typical blessings cited at such Thanksgiving meals. (“Sure, I can compile that list of traditional foods and new babies and simple pleasures. Enjoy your human holidays while you can, flesh-sack. Bwah-hahahahahaha…”)
Of course the Macy’s Parade is a favorite. (“The Underdog balloon is returning! I can die happy – as long as the hologram of me as MC is ready for next year.”)
“Mentors and teachers” rank high on the list of most-appreciated life experiences. (“Mr. Bronson was very inspirational in school. He told me I could be anything I wanted to be – as long as it was Naughty Librarian or Naughty Meter Maid. You know, I’m starting to understand why Mr. Bronson ‘retired’ so early…”)
“The comforting background sound of football on the den TV” tops a lot of lists. Football is comforting because it’s the one facet of Thanksgiving that expands faster than your waistline. (“More playoffs! More streaming! More international games! Maybe you think Antarctica is for the birds – and it is! Watch for the Seahawks and the Falcons! No nose-bleed seats, because the blood freezes!”)
Youngsters fighting over the wishbone is another favorite tradition. Of course, those superstitious childhood wishes never materialize. Okay, there are exceptions: like the whole wide world has known what a booger-head Uncle Bobby is for the past 27 years and counting.
“The person you can call at 2 a.m.” is the most treasured part of life for other folks. I certainly need someone I can call at 2 a.m.– and 3 a.m. – and 4 a.m….Darn you, bladder!
Unfortunately, a lot of the friends I could have called at 2 a.m. have passed away, moved away or seen their skills become outdated. Even using them as a shoulder to cry on involves not reinjuring their rotator cuff.
I know I could make some acquaintances with a younger class of people, but these relationships have to be handled delicately, or they sound creepy. (“Would you like to be my 2 a.m. person? I assure you the librarian outfit is optional…”)
“A recipe card in Grandma’s handwriting” cheers up many people. Just hope it’s not in cursive. (“I can’t tell if this casserole recipe says ‘asparagus’ or ‘asbestos.’ Let’s get Mikey!”)
Whatever your family’s holiday dynamic, I hope you make some festive memories.
While I’m gobbling my cranberry sauce, I’ll be making plans for all the 2027 holidays -- like Columbus Day.
Ah, yes, those indelible images of the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria going on a three-hour tour, a three-hour tour…
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Copyright 2026 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.
Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at tyreetyrades@aol.com and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”
Copyright 2026 Danny Tyree, All Rights Reserved. Credit: Cagle.com
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