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Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

I had never really thought much about Halloween etiquette (other than “Don’t put somebody else’s elbows on the table, Igor”), but then I saw a clip of “Pittsburgh Today Live” featuring etiquette expert Liz Aquino.

Aquino and the hosts shared some common sense courtesy rules for homeowners and trick-or-treaters alike.

Granted, they should have dealt more with “helicopter parents” taking a break from sports to micromanage their tykes’ door-to-door candy-seeking interactions. (“Hey, Smith, why are you letting that klutzy Nelson kid near the good full-size candy bars? Give him some circus peanuts and stick his fat heinie out in right field!”)

Experts such as Aquino advise children to be respectful of the homeowners’ lawns, say “Thank you” and refrain from being overly picky in public. The latter helps prepare the little super-heroes and princesses for a bright future in politics. (“I have a bad feeling about this dark money, but Mom and Dad say I shouldn’t hurt your feelings by turning it down -- especially if I can put them on the payroll.”)

Grown-ups dispensing treats are advised to be considerate and save the super-scary costumes for their adult parties. Don’t greet preschool trick-or-treaters dressed as something nightmare-inducing like a Disemboweled Baby Shark or, I don’t know, One Hour Without Screen Time. (“Come back in a few years, kid, and I’ll greet you dressed as Your Mortgage Payment.”)

Experts recommend that hosts ask, “Tell me about your costume” instead of potentially insulting kids’ creativity with “What are YOU supposed to be?” (Even worse is the query “What are YOU supposed to be, and is there a naughty version I could talk my wife into wearing after she has tossed back a few?”)

Alas, nothing in the broadcast covered the sort of Halloween etiquette issues broached by my cousin Steve (six years my junior) 55 or so years ago.

On the afternoon of Halloween, Steve had adopted a “wooly worm” caterpillar while visiting a relative’s farm. He amused himself with it after returning home, but youthful attention spans being what they are, he eventually decided to drop it in the candy bag of an unsuspecting trick-or-treater. (So the neighbor kid got a mixture of chocolate, caramel, peanuts and Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time.)

Back before caller ID, pranksters could anonymously ask, “Is your refrigerator running?” of total strangers miles away. Steve chose to go hyperlocal. In 1993 Ricky Skaggs sang “Don’t Cheat In Our Hometown.” Someone should have advised Steve, “Don’t distribute Pyrrharctia isabella on your own block!”

Ere long, the outraged parents of the boy who received the caterpillar came knocking on the door. No direct accusations were lodged, but they warned Aunt Jean that some maniacal fiend in the neighborhood had run out of razor blades and gone to dispensing creepy crawlies (creepy crawlies which did not come with a “gluten-free” guarantee).

Getting into the spirit of the holiday, poor mortified Aunt Jean felt like sealing herself up in a crypt.

At least the caterpillar got to live up to its reputation for predicting weather. Its colored bands accurately prognosticated that Hell Would Freeze Over before Steve got entrusted with passing out confections again!

Okay, okay, I’m out in left field again with my observations. I’ll just mosey my unworthy self over to right field and scrounge for candy.

Oooo….Sugar-Free Licorice Boston Baked Beans! Back off, Nelson kid!

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Copyright 2026 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at tyreetyrades@aol.com and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”

Copyright 2026 Danny Tyree, All Rights Reserved. Credit: Cagle.com