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Q: We adopted our teenage son at his birth and we've never hidden that fact from him. But recently he's become almost obsessed with the topic -- and especially his birth parents (who unfortunately did not maintain contact). If he gets upset he shouts that we aren't his "real" mom and dad. This is devastating to us; we love him so much and want him to know we ARE his family. What can we do?

Jim: Counselors say that this is actually a common scenario for adoptive families. All teenagers struggle with identity issues -- and that's definitely compounded when the various facets of adoption get thrown in the mix ("my biological parents didn't want me," etc.). So, parents shouldn't become hurt, discouraged or threatened when the adopted child expresses a desire for information about -- or contact with -- his or her birth parents.

Naturally, much depends upon your own situation and the circumstances of the adoption. But in general, the adoption should continue to be an "anytime" topic with your son. Allow him to ask questions, and answer to the best of your ability. Even if you don't know much about his birth parents, tell him what you can. If there's a possibility for contact at some point, prayerfully consider how you might help facilitate that.

Again, one of the most helpful things parents can do for adopted children is to be open, honest and forthcoming. Whatever the circumstances of his birth, that doesn't negate the fact that he is your son and a member of your family.

Finally, make sure to emphasize this: With all else said, his birth mother/parents loved him enough to choose to give him life and a chance for a future through adoption. That's huge.

If you'd like additional help navigating these waters, please call our staff counseling team for a free consultation. The number is 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: Greg, I've heard relationship experts like you emphasize that "healthy communication is vital to a strong marriage." That sounds really involved. My wife and I talk all the time; what's the big deal?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Well, communication is a big deal because it's the primary way to achieve intimacy. And without intimacy, it's impossible to have a healthy marriage.

There are five basic levels of communication, and each one is important:

-- Level 1 = Cliches. These are exchanges like "How are you doing?" This common courtesy can help maintain a positive interactive tone.

-- Level 2 = Exchanging facts and information. This is absolutely necessary for effective everyday function of family life.

-- Level 3 = Sharing opinions. This is where we start to discover what another person thinks -- and where conflict can occur. When we express our thoughts, we make ourselves more vulnerable.

-- Level 4 = Sharing feelings. Sharing feelings creates opportunities to be heard and understood and offers a glimpse into our true identities. In a healthy marriage, feelings are respected and can be openly expressed based on an established foundation of trust and safety.

-- Level 5 = Sharing needs. This is the deepest level of communication, requiring the most vulnerability and trust. An example would be, "I had a horrible day at work and need some encouragement." When we reach this level, we feel secure, accepted and confident our spouse will reassure, rather than reject us.

Unfortunately, in the busyness of life many of us get stuck in the first two or three levels. Find the time and space to work toward deeper conversations. If you keep at it, you'll create an environment of refuge and comfort in your marriage -- and deepen the trust and security in your relationship.

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Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

Copyright 2026 Focus On The Family. (This feature may not by reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without written permission of Focus on the Family.)

COPYRIGHT 2026 Andrews McMeel Syndication. This feature may not be reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without the written permission of Andrews McMeel Syndication.