ArcaMax

Q: I'm a divorced dad with joint custody of my daughter. When she came to my place last weekend, she told me that my ex-wife has been making some very critical and unkind statements about me. Do you have any advice for handling this situation?

Jim: First, I'd say don't jump to conclusions just yet. Some children are capable of exaggerating or even making up stories, especially if they have some kind of vested interest in pitting mom and dad against one another. So, try to confirm whether your ex-wife actually said those things. Your knowledge of both your daughter's and your ex-wife's personalities should help with your assessment.

If you're convinced that inappropriate comments ARE being made, let your daughter know that you plan to discuss it directly with your former wife. This will give you a chance to communicate your motives for taking action and the way you plan to deal with the problem. For example, you might say to your daughter: "You mentioned some negative things that your mother has said about me. I think it's important to all concerned that no one talks like that, so I'm going to speak to your mom. Hopefully we can agree about what we will and will not say about each other. If we have issues with each other, I want to resolve them without bringing you into it."

Finally, contact your ex-wife and ask if she's willing to support such a plan. Whatever the response, you can still make up your mind not to retaliate by launching verbal counterattacks. This is not to say that you should sugarcoat your ex's flaws for the sake of your child. When you have legitimate concerns, you can voice them -- but you should also do your best to always maintain an attitude of respect. Hopefully your child will see that your actions speak louder than your ex-spouse's words.

Q: How can I help my kids develop more self-control? Their pediatrician says they don't have ADHD or anything like that, but they often act impulsively, irritating each other and getting in trouble at school. Help!?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: The process of teaching self-control involves monitoring our children, much like paying attention to a car's indicator lights and gauges. If the fuel gauge is on empty (they're hungry or thirsty), it may be time for your child to get a healthy snack or take a drink of water. If the speedometer is too high (life may be too busy), it may be time to slow down. If the temperature is too high (emotions running hot -- angry, frustrated), a break may be necessary to bring things back down to a manageable and more peaceful level.

There are at least three simple and practical ways you can practice, model and teach self-control:

1. Demonstrate, teach and provide consistent and clear boundaries and limits. Parents sometimes have difficulty modeling boundaries in the areas of technology, media, money and food. Work on that yourself.

2. Point out when you see your children using self-control. Kids love positive feedback in response to proper behavior. It gives them a clearer picture of what you're looking for when you talk about self-control.

3. Teach the power of "rewind." Here's a great phrase to use: "You can try that again, but this time with respect." We're all imperfect and make mistakes, so we all need rewinds in our lives every once in a while.

Realistically, we can all benefit from more self-discipline. Self-control in childhood is an accurate predictor for success later in life, so do your best to model and build this essential skill.

========

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

Copyright 2026 Focus On The Family. (This feature may not by reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without written permission of Focus on the Family.)

COPYRIGHT 2026 Andrews McMeel Syndication. This feature may not be reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without the written permission of Andrews McMeel Syndication.