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Ghosting is ruthless. So why are we all doing it?

Kailyn Brown, Los Angeles Times on

Published in Dating Advice

"It is disrespectful," said Cortes, who's also the founder of Bienestar Counseling, Coaching and Consulting. "Because there's no feedback, it leaves the person out in the cold."

Utley said that when people are ghosted, they often revert to their "little kid state" where they think that everything is their fault. Questions including "Is it something that I did? Did I make them mad? Was I not good enough?" might circle their minds.

"It usually interferes with our self-esteem in some way," she said. "And if that happens to you recurringly in patterns, then you really start to think, 'Oh, snap. It's me. People just don't want to be in communication with me.' And it might just be you've run into a bunch of a—holes."

But if the person doing the ghosting were candid, then you'd know whether the issue is you (for example, they said you came on too strong), and as a result, you could decide whether you want to work on those personality traits.

What should you do instead?

Ghosting is easy — that's why people do it. But if you're willing to do the alternative, here are a couple options for what you could say.

 

If you've lost interest in the person you are dating and no longer want to communicate with them, Cortes recommends using the sandwich method, in which you deliver negative or constructive feedback between two slices of positive comments.

You can start by thanking the person for sharing their time with you and let them know that you've enjoyed getting to know them, Cortes said. Then insert your reason. Some examples are "I've realized that I'm not ready for a relationship right now," "Our values don't align" or "We don't want the same thing." Wrap up by saying something such as this: "I want to respectfully let you know so that you can move on, and I can move on as well," and then tell them to take care.

Another option, says Mike Chang, a marriage and family therapist based in Glendale, is "making it more about you" and less about the other person. It's fine to keep your explanation for ending the relationship brief.

"I think people have preferences when it comes to what kind of person they want to be in a relationship with, which is totally fine," Chang said. "But nobody wants to be told that they don't have something or a trait that [you're] looking for." A key reminder: If your comment isn't constructive, keep it to yourself.

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