LOS ANGELES — It's hard to know what to do or say when a loved one is in the throes of a devastating breakup. No matter what you try — talking about it, not talking about it, vilifying the ex, coming up with fun distractions — they remain consumed with grief. Is there a right way to ease the pain?

There is, according to experts. Although every heartbreak is different, a few basic strategies can help us avoid well-meaning pitfalls and provide thoughtful support to a loved one grieving the gut-wrenching loss of a partner. The key, therapists and academics say, is remembering you can't make the heartache disappear. What you can offer instead is empathy, validation and a place for your friend to share their feelings without judgment.

"If you can create a space to sit with their pain and let them know you are not going to try to fix it or change it, you are doing quite a lot right there," said Tamala Black, a psychologist based in Culver City who specializes in trauma. "Everyone has their own pace for when they are ready to release that heartache and let go."

Understanding heartbreak

Someone in the midst of a painful breakup is experiencing a number of losses all at once. Even if the relationship was toxic, even if your friend initiated the split, they may still be mourning the loss of their identity as part of a couple, the loss of a close friend and companion and the loss of an imagined future. They may also be cycling through regret, internalized shame and self-blame for the relationship ending.

"Love is a fundamental human need, and being in a long-term relationship can shape our reality by altering how we see ourselves and the world," said Ron Rogge, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Rochester in New York. "When that relationship falls apart, it's life shattering. Your identity is fractured."

A breakup can also lead to chemical changes in the body. Sex and heightened skin-to-skin contact cause us to release oxytocin, a hormone that is associated with feelings of calmness, security and joy. The experience of falling and being in love releases high levels of dopamine, a hormone that activates a reward circuit in the brain that leads to feelings of euphoria. When a person suddenly finds themselves broken up from a beloved partner, a steady stream of feel-good chemicals is abruptly cut off.

"It's kind of like a withdrawal," Black said. "It's as if all this love, all this care, the physical touch, the outings — it doesn't have a place to exist anymore."

Avoiding pitfalls

Seeing a friend in this altered state can cause your own heart to break, but trying to immediately fix the problem won't help. "You can't heal someone's pain by trying to reduce it," Black said.

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