How to help a friend after a devastating breakup? Your first instinct is wrong

With that in mind, when a friend is reeling from a recent breakup, Rogge suggests refraining from giving advice unless that person specifically asks for it. "Remember that they're in the midst of a hurricane of emotions and they don't need to learn any lessons or make any decisions right now," Rogge said.

If your friend does ask for advice, you can offer your perspective. But choose your words carefully. "You want to share your thoughts and feelings in a gentle way," he said.

You may also feel tempted to share stories of your own past breakups and how you got over them, but that can be counterproductive. "That's really, really not helpful," Black said. "It often causes the person to close up emotionally."

And crucially, you should try to resist bashing the ex-partner in question. For those who feel protective of friends' well-being, this can be incredibly difficult (especially if we never liked the ex in the first place). But Rogge says it's worth the effort to hold back.

"It's a dangerous thing to do," Rogge said. "They often still love that person and see that person as a part of themselves they are grieving. And there's always the risk that they will get back together."

If they do get back together after you've trashed their ex, your friend may feel they can no longer trust you, he said.

Bad-mouthing a friend's former partner usually won't have the effect you hoped for, anyway. Many people romanticize their ex at the end of a relationship and long to reconnect with their fantasy of that person, Black said. Disparaging a friend's ex might paradoxically cause your friend to feel defensive of them, making it harder for them to let go.

Showing up

So what can a caring friend do to support a loved one in the midst of a heartbreak? The answer is deceptively simple: Show up and leave your expectations at the door.

"A good friend will reach out and let the person know you are not afraid of their sadness," said Becky White, founder and chief executive of Root to Rise Therapy in L.A. "It's letting them know, 'I don't need you to be happy or positive. I'm here for you and I'm not going to hide or be scared off.'"

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