We've all heard the advice, probably from our friends… or, more likely, grandparents: avoid controversial topics on a first date. While steering clear of discussing exes and past relationships is relatively straightforward (seriously, no ex-talk on a first date!), dodging politics feels nearly impossible, especially with the next presidential election looming closer and taking over the news cycle yet again.

In modern dating, political beliefs aren't just disclosed early on; they're often used as criteria for screening potential matches. As a dating coach, I frequently encounter profiles stating things like, "No Trump supporters, please" or "I'm not voting for Biden, and I'm seeking someone who feels the same." (And it’s not always said so politely!) Some people even display political affiliations proudly in their photos, whether it's a Biden flag or a "Make America Great Again" hat. Even just selecting “liberal” or “conservative” as one of the check-box options is mainly assumed these days.

So, how early in getting to know someone should you bring up politics? The answer isn't as simple as one may think.

If you’re someone who votes in the presidential election and doesn’t think much about politics in your day-to-day life, you can likely wait a little longer before bringing up the topic with a potential partner, if at all. But if you’re someone who does your research on different candidates, follows their every move on social media, and participates in your political party’s events, it’s clearly an important part of your life and should be addressed sooner.

Of course, there are plenty of successful couples who have differing beliefs on major topics like politics and religion, and cutting ties with someone based on who they plan to vote for mean be losing out on meeting a really great person. Think about your friend group: I’m sure there are some people in your life who are of a different religion, celebrate different holidays or hold their faith on a different level... yet you can’t imagine life without them. The same goes for politics.

With the country so divided, however, dating someone with opposing (or even simply not the same) political beliefs seems less common than ever.

According to an October 2019 Pew Research study done before the 2020 election, of more than 4,800 people, seven out of 10 “Democratic daters” said they probably or definitely wouldn’t consider dating someone who voted for President Donald Trump in the 2016 election. I can only imagine that number is considerably higher now.

In addition, at that time, about 43% of Democratic singles said they likely or definitely wouldn’t date a self-described Republican, while about 24% of Republicans said they likely or definitely wouldn’t date a self-described Democrat.

When the time comes to discuss politics with a romantic partner, remember that it’s easy to put someone in a box without additional information — you may assume because they voted a certain way, they must agree with every single aspect of that political party. Of course, it’s rarely so straightforward. Instead of immediately writing off someone from the other side of the aisle, why not discuss why they lean the way they do without being judgmental. Perhaps after you hear what they have to say, you’ll find you’re not actually so different.

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