Life Advice



Erika Ettin: You're not 'still single'

Erika Ettin, Tribune News Service on

Published in Dating Advice

A client sent me a text recently asking, “Can I ask you? Why am I still single? In your opinion? Maybe I’m not putting enough effort in? I want love to find me! Arghhh!”

I actually get questions like this more often than one might think.

I replied, “This sounds like a question that can’t be answered over text! You’ve obviously had relationships, so you’re not ‘still’ single. I have no doubt you could be with someone right now — many people. But you’re not looking to just be with someone; you want someone great. And that connection takes time.”

When dating — whether you’ve been single for a month, a year or 10 years — it’s important to remember a few key things:

1. You’re not “still” single.

Let’s abolish “still” from our thinking, meaning you are lacking or somehow behind in life. You are not. Instead, let’s try “single and available” or “single and looking.” That has a much more positive connotation. Along those lines, it’s important to stop viewing being single as something to fear or fix.


2. Love will not just find you.

Just like when searching for a job, a new job will not come knocking at your door. Neither will love… unless there’s a cute UberEats delivery person. Finding a great partner takes time and effort — and often money.

3. The goal is not to find just any partner.

The goal is to find the right partner. Don’t be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. I can’t imagine a worse fate than committing to someone just to be with someone or to overcome societal pressure.


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