ArcaMax

Dear Amy: A few years back, an elderly family member passed away and left a lot more money to my father’s brother and his (second) wife than to other family members. We were never told why, and my uncle and his wife refused to share these funds with us without expecting to be paid back.

Last year my parents both died, and for the last two years or so they were terribly sick and frail and I had to take care of them all the time.

My uncle and his wife live only about a half-hour away. They never offered to help out. They never visited. When my mother died, they did not attend the funeral or even send me a sympathy card.

Well, Amy, needless to say, I strongly dislike these two people (as did my late mother), and I often think of sending them a letter telling them how I feel.

My question is, how can family members be so cold-hearted? Should I send them a letter telling them how I feel?

— Hurt and Angry

Dear Hurt: Your deceased family member might have left more money to your uncle than to others because at one time your uncle had loaned or given that family member money. Your uncle (and his wife) might not have visited or had contact with your parents because the money – or another issue – created a rift between your father and his brother that simply was never resolved. (Did your folks want to see these family members? You don’t say.)

That is the true tragedy of family estrangement: it is insidious and generational.

I’m not offering up excuses for their behavior, but an explanation for how complex and twisted estranged relationships can become.

You should definitely write a letter to your uncle and his wife, telling them exactly how you feel. Writing these things down might help you to make sense of your own feelings and reactions.

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