ArcaMax

Should you then send the letter? That depends. You might pour out your own anger and hurt feelings to people who have already demonstrated that they don’t seem to care, who might misread or misunderstand your intentions, and may share it or criticize you to other family members. Those are all possible consequences of your choice.

There is dignity in telling the truth. But there is also dignity in making a private peace with your own painful emotions.

Any letter you send should be simple, declarative, and honest, using “I statements:” “I am sad. I am so disappointed. I wish you had behaved differently during times when my folks needed care and comfort.”

Dear Amy: At gatherings with family or friends, my husband has a habit that I find rude. When someone offers to do something helpful, such as clear dirty plates, he immediately offers to do it instead, jumping up and beating the person to the task.

Often the friend or family member is left looking like their offer of a good deed was just stolen from them, but he doesn't notice.

I know he thinks he's being extra nice for taking away the task, but I think it's rude to jump on someone else's offer of help.

Either come up with the idea yourself, or just graciously say "thank you," when someone else offers to do something for you.

What are your thoughts?

— Helpless Helper

Dear Helpless: My thoughts are that there must be more behind your resentment regarding your husband’s attempts to be helpful.

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