Ask Amy: Long-ago cheating leaves wife ruminating
— Suspicious
Dear Suspicious: Twenty years is an extremely long time for you to live in a state of “high alert,” and for your husband to tolerate your ongoing and very disruptive and baseless accusations.
It is a testament to your mutual commitment to each other – and a marvel — that your marriage has survived.
Constant rumination paralyzes your problem-solving skills, distracts you from the positive tending of your relationships, can affect your physical health, and is overall very time consuming. Your husband has been forced to react to your compulsions and accusations. And I assume you are exhausted from this.
A psychologist might diagnose you with obsessive rumination disorder, which can be triggered by PTSD. You might be introduced to mindfulness training, which is basically a technique where you purposefully and consciously yank your mind back to the present whenever you find yourself obsessing. You will be retraining your brain to refocus, and eventually your brain will refocus without your prompting.
Additionally, I am certain that you would benefit from “talk” therapy.
Why were you so traumatized by an event that many others process and recover from? Insight into this will be life-changing for you. Insight and self-knowledge will bring you into a new relationship with yourself, your husband, and your children.
Dear Amy: I’ve been divorced for four years, and I share custody of my 10-year-old daughter with my ex-wife.
There is zero likelihood of me getting back together with my former wife.
My ex and I co-parent, and of course it is not entirely smooth, but it works out.
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