Ask Amy: Future bride doesn't want to marry in-laws
Dear Amy: I am getting married in August to an incredible guy. He's kind, patient, hardworking, fun-loving, and we have a common picture of our future. The only problem is his family.
His parents frequently lie to each other and then confide in their children about it. They are bigoted toward LGBTQ people, and people of color. They spend money carelessly, are in huge amounts of debt, and then ask us for money. They were horrified when I told them I'd be keeping my own name when we got married.
I am an opinionated woman. I speak my mind openly (and thoughtfully). I am perfectly capable of standing up for myself and for others, and I have done so on many occasions. They don't value this.
In the past, when I speak my mind (in a manner deemed calm and respectful by myself, my fiancé, and my therapist), it leads to his mother and sister crying for weeks and then calling my fiancé to tell him about it. Whenever his mother calls him, she will end the call quickly if she finds out I am in the room.
My fiance and I are on the same page. We have our own household with its own values. But I worry a lot about having to deal with all of this for the rest of my life.
Are difficult in-laws a good enough reason to not get married or to hold off getting married? Or does everybody go through this? After all, this is not my fiancé's fault, and their behavior is not within his control. Am I just getting cold feet?
-- Cold Feet
Dear Cold Feet: Having cold feet - no matter the underlying reasons - would be a legitimate justification to hold off on getting married.
When you marry someone, you sidle into your spouse's family system - for better (often), but also for worse.
Even if you have relatively little to do with your partner's family - it sounds as if you and your fiancé have enough contact with them that they continually upset you (and you, them).
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