Secrets and lies are tearing this marriage apart
Amy, I feel so guilty. I never intended for that to happen.
After me being so upset at my husband for his lies and secrets, I am torn as to whether I should tell him. I just did the same thing! I'm scared that he will always throw this in my face as an excuse for his past mistakes and try to excuse his future mistakes by highlighting MY mistake. Should I tell him?
-- Torn
Dear Torn: The amateur shrink in me needs to speculate: You engaged in sexual banter online to retaliate for your husband's secrecy regarding his smoking and his Facebook flirtation (and probably other things).
You now want to avoid admitting your behavior because -- the way you see it: It is your business, and you are an adult.
If your spouse doesn't know about it, it won't impact your marriage.
Not disclosing this is a great way to avoid an argument.
Admitting it would cause pain to him and to you, including the possibility that he will never let you forget it.
In short, you are afraid to tell him about it, because he has given you reason to doubt his ability to understand and forgive.
This might be very close to what your husband is thinking when (and after) he sneaks a cigarette behind the garage.
...continued
