ArcaMax

Dear Amy: Four months ago, my mom was diagnosed with late-stage ovarian cancer. She chose not to undergo medical treatment. Instead, she has been visiting multiple "natural doctors" and spending thousands of dollars for treatments, plus buying equipment and supplements from them.

I live across the world, and I have been struggling with whether I should visit. Her husband says that apart from offering moral support, there is not much I could do, since my mom is either tired or busy with "treatments." My mom has said that she would love to have me around, but that she wants me to continue living my life, too.

She and I have different religious and political views, and I'm afraid that if I went to visit her, we would end up having an explosive argument.

I've read that you should make decisions out of love, not fear, but my choice would be motivated by fear either way. What if I go and she's disappointed or upset that I won't participate in her healing rituals?

What if I have to make small talk with her friends and family, and have to listen to their obtuse and racist comments?

What if I go, and she continues to live, and I have to leave again, saying goodbye for what may be the last time?

If I don't go, I fear that I would see myself as a callous, uncaring daughter for the rest of my life, and that her family would think the same. That gaping hole she would leave in my life would be even larger and darker.

Worst of all, why do I fear that these unconventional treatments will work, rather than hoping that they will?

-- Distant and Desperate

Dear Desperate: I realize that this seems like it is your drama, but it isn't. It is your mother's. Realizing this will help to liberate you from feeling so responsible for her choices.

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