Do you remember the first time you looked at a classmate and your heart pounded just a little bit harder? For most people, that moment comes during the teen years, but for some children, feelings or romantic interest can begin well before puberty. While this may catch parents by surprise, it is a normal part of social and emotional development.

While having a healthy one-on-one relationship is an important part of becoming an adult, conversations about friendships and relationships shouldn’t wait until adolescents. Talking with your child about relationships with their peers at every age sets the foundation for healthy personal connections as they grow.

Children first learn about loving and caring relationships from their families. As they grow, they also pick up messages from friends, television, music and social media. Some of these messages are positive, but others may be confusing or unhealthy. That’s why it’s so important to have brief, age-appropriate conversations that emphasize kindness, respect and boundaries. You don’t need to schedule a formal talk. Teachable moments often occur while reading a book, watching a show or listening to music. A simple question like “What do you think about how they treated each other” can open the door for discussion.

Young, primary school-aged kids may say they have a girlfriend or boyfriend. Some may try to sneak kisses from classmates or even hold hands. Usually these relationships are brief, innocent and don’t go very far. It is important not to tease children or dismiss their feelings. Help your child understand that while having feelings for someone else is normal, it is best to wait until they are older to have a serious romantic relationship. Seeing friendship as a normal interaction between people of any gender is an important lesson.

Things change as children become pre-teens and teens where dating may involve physical affection such as kissing, cuddling, holding hands and more. There is not a specific age at which dating is best. Every adolescent matures at a different rate and may be ready for a romantic relationship at a different age.

Some adults may be cynical about or dismiss teenage relationships. They believe that friendships and love at this age can be short-lived. However, this does not mean a teen relationship is less important or less strong than an adult relationship. Friendships and even romantic relationships in the teenage years are just as real, and perhaps as painful, as relationships at any other point in life.

Be ready and open to talking to your pre-teen or teen about their relationships. Don't be surprised if your kid, who always told you everything, starts to go silent. It is a natural process for adolescents to become more independent and put peers over family. Your role has changed from the main character to a supporting cast member. But your teen needs your support and advice as they navigate the ups and downs of their relationships.

Talking about relationships with teens can be tough! Your teen may feel bad about not having dated or may even have been rejected by someone. To open the topic, you might begin by asking, "Are any of your friends or classmates dating or in a relationship?" After that, it is less important what you say, than that you listen carefully. If your teen says absolutely nothing, then it might be best to wait and ask again later.

If your teen shares information, try to listen without judgment or reaction. Simply hear what they are saying and then ask a question about it without offering your opinion. If your teen shares a concern, create a safe space with a positive, problem-solving attitude. This helps avoid making your teen feel like it is an overwhelming problem. Be a calm voice of reason.

Try your best not to overly empathize. Maintain a reasonable distance from the ups and downs of teenage life. This means if your daughter has a fight with her boyfriend, you sympathize with her feelings but also take the long view.

Keep in mind that most adolescents (even older adolescents) have never had a dating relationship. Among 15- to 17-year-olds, most (66%) are not and never have been in a romantic relationship. Additionally, despite a lot of peer pressure, more than 50% of teens wait until after high school to have sex. Keep in mind that you are the best person to teach your teen about healthy and consensual relationships, love, and commitment. What teens learn about sex may help influence their future choices and health. For instance, if your teen chooses to abstain from sex, they avoid the risk of sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy. If your teen is sexually active, proper use of birth control can help reduce these risks.

Although it is a good idea to let your teen learn through experience, it is important to know when to step in. Some relationships are so unhealthy that they may be dangerous to your teen. Some signs you may need to step in and have a serious conversation with your teen, welcome or not, include extremely controlling behavior or extreme jealousy, isolation from friends and family, unexplained or poorly explained bruises or injuries, loss of interest in activities that your teen previously enjoyed, a sudden change in behavior, a drop in grades, frequent arguments, a large age-gap between partners, and extreme changes in personality, especially around their partner.

Keep in mind that you and your teen may not always agree on what's best. Though you may not have control over your adolescent’s love life, you can be supportive through the joys and heartbreaks that will happen along the way. With open conversations and a calm supportive approach, you can help your teen build the foundation for healthy relationships that last well beyond adolescence.

____

Anisha Abraham, MD, MPH, FAAP is Chief of the Division of Adolescent Medicine at Children’s National Hospital and author of “Raising Global Teens”. She is also a member of the Council of Adolescents and Young Adults (CoAYA), a Media Spokesperson for the AAP and an Ambassador for the Center for Youth Mental Health and Social Media.

©2026 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.