ArcaMax

General Manager - Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is run over by a locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals.

Manager - Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotive two out of three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can't stay afloat with a life preserver. Talks...Read more

My mother taught me LOGIC... "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT... "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.

My mother taught me IRONY... "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS... "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My ...Read more

One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

The art student approached the professor to ask why the ...Read more

The latest generational culture war has members of Gen Z calling millennials cringe for adding "lol" to the end of sentences. Do I personally do this? Every single day, lol.

We needn't probe the myriad existential reasons for these perennial debates. Those of us in our 30s and 40s are well aware that people in their 20s think we're crusty and...Read more

"OK, now remember to watch for cars at intersections," instructed my husband. "Also be careful when you ride past a parked car because a door may suddenly open. And also be on the lookout for potholes."

I leaned over my bicycle and glared at him.

"I'm not a child, you know. I've been riding a bike practically my whole life," I said ...Read more

In this prickly economy, everyone is stretched thin.

Gas prices around the country have ballooned due to the war in the Middle East. No, right, sorry. It's not a war. It's a mere skirmish. A rumble, if you will. A dance-off between rival greaser gangs. It's basically the Jets vs. the Sharks doing pirouettes in an alley. It's fun, actually!

...Read more

There are a lot of body parts I'm not particularly happy with (you thighs know who you are), but the one part of me I've never been bothered by is my feet. Not to be conceited, but I've always thought I had pretty nice feet, as far as feet go. They are not too fat or too thin, my arches are not too high or too low, and my toes all line up ...Read more

All right, listen up. All those running for public office should suck it up and debate their opponents.

I know, I know. Political debates have devolved into air hockey tables at Dave & Buster's, bleating fracases devoid of the decorum befitting public servants. Whereas citizens once gathered around TV sets in unison, televised tussles are now...Read more

"It's tennis elbow," my doctor said matter-of-factly.

"That's impossible," I responded, massaging my sore elbow. "I don't play tennis."

She sighed. "It's just called that because it's a repetitive injury that is commonly seen in tennis players."

"Well, the only thing I do repetitively with that arm is change the channel with my remote. In ...Read more

My feet have always been extremely ticklish. Despite this unfortunate fact, I also like having presentable tootsies. And I don't enjoy doing my own nails.

So, in spite of myself, I get a pedicure almost every month. I've never enjoyed the process, never relaxed into a puddle of skin and bones and surrendered like other people in massage ...Read more

Having been a mom for many, many years, I've figured out how to cook enough basic meals to keep my family alive. However, since I only have about a half dozen dishes that I've perfected, it was just a matter of time before my family got completely sick of my cooking. Even the dog was sick of the scraps that fell on the floor. This coming from ...Read more

Yawn. Time for another sun-dappled morning of human existence, drinking in the beauty of the natural world. Let me just turn off the phone alarm. Oop. News alert.

Former Anthropic researcher warns AI could kill us all.

Oh.

Coffee.

OK, it says here that multiple AI researchers are sounding alarms that the rapid expansion of ...Read more

"We need to talk about the elephant in the room," said my husband.

I gulped and nodded. It was a conversation I had tried to avoid for some time, but it was clear that there was no putting it off any longer. This was something that was not going to get better on its own. It had to be addressed.

"The elephant has got to go," he said ...Read more

Dear Lake America,

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

Gosh, sorry. I never know how to start. You'd think I'd be smoother at dispensing advice, but I'm the same awkward ocean basin I've always been.

It's been more than a year since I, the Gulf of Mexico, was renamed against my will as the Gulf of America. Now I am morally ...Read more