ArcaMax

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale."

"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," her friend replied.

"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to ...Read more

I was sitting at my desk writing, with my trusty dog lying on the floor by my side, when suddenly I heard this sound like someone was letting the air out of a tire. It went on for about five seconds and then stopped. I looked around the room to see if there was a gas leak or something ... and that's when I smelled it. It was like a cross ...Read more

There are times when I want to move into a cottage and scold neighborhood children, wagging a crooked finger because their revolutionary ways scare me. Then there are times when I welcome the inevitable robot apocalypse, wishing artificial intelligence would just take over already. Yes, fine, yes, gather my data, tell me what to do, image-...Read more

When the time came to get new eyeglasses, I decided I was ready for an upgrade. The optician told me I could get transition lenses that would turn dark when I was in the sun, so instead of having a regular pair of eyeglasses and a second pair of prescription sunglasses, I'd have one pair that would do everything. If I could just get them to ...Read more

Anyone who sits through enough public meetings knows the audience archetypes.

There are the single-issue visitors. There are the agitators who make a scene for attention and clicks. And there are the gadflies, the regular customers whose presence is so predictable you wonder if they should look into other hobbies. Woodworking, maybe? Birding?...Read more

Come, come into my awkward live chat. Let's discuss social media as moderators bounce the bots, incels and meatheads from the comments.

I am writing this guide as a columnist, which means I am allowed to have an opinion, much to the envy of my more formal news colleagues who must sit around holiday tables of ham and lamb cakes remarking, "...Read more

According to some experts, it's advisable to practice taking care of something living before you have kids. A lot of people start out with a pet. But before you have pets, you might need to first be able to keep a houseplant alive. And if you find you really stink at this caretaking thing, you might even want to take one step back beyond that ...Read more

During an (adjective) stroll through the park on a sunny March, I was overcome by a series of violent (nouns).

The (gerund, look it up) would not relent. I peered into the trees above. (Nature noun), just truckloads of (same noun), falling out of every branch, (same noun) painting with all the colors of the wind. In my hair. In my nose. In my...Read more

"You were talking in your sleep last night," I said to my husband when he stumbled into the kitchen that morning. I handed him a cup of espresso to jolt him out of his coma.

"No, I wasn't," he said.

"How would you know?" I said. "You were asleep. I was not asleep ... because you were talking in your sleep."

"I don't talk in my sleep," he ...Read more

"What's with all the Gatorade?" said my husband when I walked in the door with two bulging bags of the stuff.

"It's for tonight," I said matter-of-factly.

"Is there a special occasion that calls for large amounts of fluorescent green liquid to be ingested?" he asked, wondering if perhaps he'd forgotten an obscure holiday that was celebrated ...Read more

Let's talk about it: Are Joe Biden and Donald Trump too old to be president? I don't know. Maybe? Probably! They're 81 and 77. Biden is already the oldest sitting president. A win would crown either man the oldest newly elected president, a record slightly less exciting than "world's largest serving of guacamole."

Their advanced ages reflect ...Read more

Since I work from home, I don't generally get dressed up for the occasion. Most of the time, I consider it a successful day if I change out of my bathrobe and put on actual clothes. Because of this, I don't have a lot of fancy clothes and most of what I do have can easily be thrown in the wash.

This arrangement has always worked out fine ...Read more

Every year, I declare the same intention the way a tragic 1990s comic strip lady says, "Diet starts Monday!"

I say, "I am going to watch all 10 nominees for best picture at the Academy Awards!" I prepare to rest my chin on my fist at living room parties, to wax on about storytelling nuance and low-angle framing, to sneer, "Well, you know how ...Read more