ArcaMax

A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car.

"The other night I dreamed I was a Ferrari. Another night I dreamed I was a BMW. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"

"Relax", says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience."

An employment interviewer for a big company in New York was talking to an attractive young woman applying for a job. Looking over the application form, the interviewer noticed that the girl had not answered one important question concerning transportation to and from work.

"What about your bus line?" the interviewer asked her.

"I don't ...Read more

One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces.

When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon, and decided it must have something...Read more

Do you want to start a political action committee? Congratulations on taking the exciting first steps! There are a few key things to know.

First, what is a PAC? Such a baby is born when two or more people give or take funds to support a candidate, party or issue. This allows like-minded folks to pool cash for a cause, like when we got ...Read more

In the time that we've lived in the 'burbs, we've had a veritable parade of icky insecty things cavorting through our home. There were the things with a million legs that crawled up our bathtubs, the infestation of little black ants that marched through our kitchen, the termites that lunched on our wood deck, the Japanese beetles that stopped ...Read more

Every so often, a school dress code materializes with a subtext like so:

Students cannot learn amid the existence of boobs, hips or butts that curve at any juncture. These features indicate the possibility of sex, which is not real, as evidenced by storks. If you are not already shaped like a Triscuit, clothing options include: the ...Read more

"What's with all this candy?" asked my husband, eyeballing a large stack of candy bags on the table.

"It's for Halloween," I replied nonchalantly.

"But Halloween isn't for three more months," he protested.

"I know," I said. "But I had to get it now because of the Candy Apocalypse."

"'Candy Apocalypse'?" he wondered aloud. "I'm not sure I ...Read more

The manatees are sorry.

The manatees apologize that groceries and gas are expensive, that there are wars and sickness. The manatees don't know if that's their fault, but they are pretty sure it is.

The manatees keep getting in the way of things humans need to survive, things such as hotels and discount stores and Jet Skis. They try to float ...Read more

My husband and I were having dinner at a lovely restaurant one night when I stopped eating mid-plate.

"I'm done," I said.

"What? Why?" he asked.

"This pasta and shrimp is delicious, but I'm full. I can't eat any more."

"Take it home," he said.

"Where? Who's going to eat it? When?"

"Our house. Me. Later," he replied.

"But we're not going...Read more

Delightful poo-poo memes are going around. In one of my faves, people list stuff that doesn't have cyclospora. It's not salads. It's Snickers, mac and cheese, and cookies.

Hilarious, I thought after a scroll. Solid creative energy from the internet hive mind, a silly way to lighten up news of a perilous parasite. But after closing the phone, ...Read more

If I'd had any choice in the matter, I certainly wouldn't have planned to have my two kids' and husband's birthdays be only weeks apart. The first two just kind of worked out that way. The third was completely out of my control.

The problem with all these occasions has nothing to do with gifts or parties.

It's about the cake. Or, more ...Read more

Attention, disgusting little guys:

I write by the light of a candle in hopes you won't locate me. I have been reduced to a hostage in my own home, a scavenging rat-style person dragging a pizza crust from the fridge to eat under cloak and dagger.

Why have you come? What do you seek?

Since individual intervention (murder) has been slow to ...Read more

"We got an invitation to something," I said to my husband as I opened the elegant beige envelope with our names handwritten in calligraphy.

"What is it?" he wondered aloud.

I scanned the invitation. "It's a dinner party for John and Cheryl's anniversary," I said. I read over the rest of the invite and groaned.

"What?"

"The dress is 'fancy ...Read more

It's the thick of summer. This means I've been, let's say, gently prodded into participating in outdoorsy vacation adventures that test my mettle and push the limits of my even nature.

This year, we headed to the opposite corner of the country, Washington state, to visit family. We took an incredible whale-watching cruise, went up the Space ...Read more