ArcaMax

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even ...Read more

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.

Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, ...Read more

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

Protected by .357 Magnum 3 days a week. You guess which 3

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Fight crime – Shoot back

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

Clear the Road I AM SIXTEEN ...Read more

Last weekend, I broke my little finger. It's pretty silly and not that serious, but it has me thinking about the nature of fragility.

My close friends are closing this tab right now, like, "Enough about the pinky!" Which, fair. Sally forth, check your email for new DSW coupons.

I broke my finger at the gym, unfortunately not doing anything ...Read more

When I woke up, I felt fine. However, by noon, one side of my nose was stuffed up. And by dinnertime, I had a full-blown, eye-watering, nose-dripping, knock-the-dog-over-with-my-sneezes head cold.

"Maybe it's allergies," said my husband as I let out another sonic boom of a sneeze.

"I've never had allergies before," I replied

"There's always...Read more

Folks, take it easy. There was no way to know it would end like this.

Who could have predicted that a stunt with all the subtlety of a juggling bear would fizzle out in less than a year? Don't dare imply that Alligator Alcatraz, Florida's most odious, costly and morally compromised photo booth, was designed to end the moment it outlived its ...Read more

I've had issues with my lower back in the past. It usually happens when I'm doing something strenuous, like putting on my socks. Because of this, I typically never know when it will strike. It's kind of like knowing someone around the corner is going to hit you with a freight train, except you don't know which corner or how they came to be ...Read more

Is anyone else in a reading rut? What I mean is, does every book you crack feel like a million pounds, like an obligation, like a thicket of vines with no nearby machete? Does the doomscroll hold more allure than the pages of a novel? Does your brain feel like a butterfly in a bell jar? Does Netflix win every time?

I have felt this way for ...Read more

I recently moved, and in case you didn't know, moving is No. 3 in the top five most stressful things in your life. No. 2 is divorce, and No. 1 is death of a loved one. Having just moved, I can tell you with certainty that No. 3 can often be the cause of No. 2 and No. 1.

Of course, this might sound silly, especially considering all that's ...Read more

I was called for jury duty. Upon arrival at the courthouse, a bailiff handed every juror a comment card. I thought I'd fill out some of it here.

(SET BOLD)Juror No.:(END BOLD) 37

(SET BOLD)Date of Jury Service:(END BOLD) April 27, 2026

(SET BOLD)Were the instructions on your Summons for Jury Service easy to understand?(END BOLD) Yes. They ...Read more

OK, fellas, you may want to check out of this column.

I want to talk about bras. No, not the sexy, what-woman-in-her-right-mind-would-wear-this-to-go-food-shopping bras. I'm talking about the everyday, full-coverage, gets-the-job-done-without-a-jiggle bras.

For most of my bra-wearing life, I've managed to find the right size bra that made me...Read more

There's a moment in "Mermaid," one of the most Florida movies to have ever Florida'd, when a character describes the Sunshine State:

"It's the only place on earth that can still kind of surprise me."

The oddly beautiful sentiment is followed by dialogue too wild to be printed here. That dichotomy between poetry and shock value sums up "...Read more

I winced as we sat in the audience of an experimental music concert played by a string quartet. Calling it music was being generous. It was more like the sound of a subway car screeching on the tracks, mixed with nails on a chalkboard -- and choruses of crying babies on an airplane.

"I don't get it," I whispered to my husband as the quartet ...Read more

Me: "Hi. This is Tracy Beckerman. I need to schedule a follow-up appointment with the plumber."

Plumber's Assistant: "Hey, my sister's name is Tracy. That's so funny! Do you spell it with an 'e' or no 'e'?"

Me: "Um, no 'e'."

PA: "My sister doesn't spell it with an 'e,' either. I mean, who needs an extra letter for no reason. LOL!"

Me: "...Read more