ArcaMax

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.

One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.

The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.

Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.

On his ...Read more

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes,Preacher. I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow ...Read more

Many hundreds of years ago in a small Italian town, a merchant had the misfortune of owing a large sum of money to the moneylender. The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the merchant's beautiful daughter so he proposed a bargain. He said he would forgo the merchant' debt if he could marry the merchant's daughter. Both the merchant and ...Read more

Hi,

Public records indicate you voted in the last 800 elections, but we have reason to believe you might not get to the polls this one very important time. Sometimes people come down with chickenpox or get a flat tire. Sometimes they look up from their phones at 7:02 p.m. on Election Day and declare, "Oh, THAT was today?" Be sure to make your...Read more

There was a time when I was a kid when eggs came in two forms: white and brown. Because I perceived the brown eggs as being slightly bigger, I suspected that they came not from chickens at all but rather from something bigger like ducks, geese or possibly an emu. Of course, the brown eggs were exactly the same as the white eggs, but being a ...Read more

"Would you like a cookie or a muffin?" the receptionist brightly asked as I entered the dentist's office. I gazed longingly at the platters of fresh baked goods displayed on the front desk. They looked soft and chewy and delicious, but as someone who is gluten-free, I suspected that it would be in my (and the dentist, hygienist and entire ...Read more

I'm an avid gym-goer and hobby powerlifter. I top out at 5 feet tall and look as threatening as a Monchhichi in a baby bib, so a passerby might not realize my bench press is 110 pounds, squat 170, deadlift 195. I'm looking forward to breaking 200 on some lifts soon, but it's not for the reasons you'd expect.

I don't train because it's fun and...Read more

I discovered my first gray hair when I was 35. Since there was only one, I figured it was an aberration, and I quickly plucked that sucker out. When it grew back, though, it brought a friend. I decided both of them had lost their way en route to an older person's head, and I got rid of them fast. However, it seemed the act of plucking my two ...Read more

The latest generational culture war has members of Gen Z calling millennials cringe for adding "lol" to the end of sentences. Do I personally do this? Every single day, lol.

We needn't probe the myriad existential reasons for these perennial debates. Those of us in our 30s and 40s are well aware that people in their 20s think we're crusty and...Read more

"OK, now remember to watch for cars at intersections," instructed my husband. "Also be careful when you ride past a parked car because a door may suddenly open. And also be on the lookout for potholes."

I leaned over my bicycle and glared at him.

"I'm not a child, you know. I've been riding a bike practically my whole life," I said ...Read more

In this prickly economy, everyone is stretched thin.

Gas prices around the country have ballooned due to the war in the Middle East. No, right, sorry. It's not a war. It's a mere skirmish. A rumble, if you will. A dance-off between rival greaser gangs. It's basically the Jets vs. the Sharks doing pirouettes in an alley. It's fun, actually!

...Read more

There are a lot of body parts I'm not particularly happy with (you thighs know who you are), but the one part of me I've never been bothered by is my feet. Not to be conceited, but I've always thought I had pretty nice feet, as far as feet go. They are not too fat or too thin, my arches are not too high or too low, and my toes all line up ...Read more

All right, listen up. All those running for public office should suck it up and debate their opponents.

I know, I know. Political debates have devolved into air hockey tables at Dave & Buster's, bleating fracases devoid of the decorum befitting public servants. Whereas citizens once gathered around TV sets in unison, televised tussles are now...Read more

"It's tennis elbow," my doctor said matter-of-factly.

"That's impossible," I responded, massaging my sore elbow. "I don't play tennis."

She sighed. "It's just called that because it's a repetitive injury that is commonly seen in tennis players."

"Well, the only thing I do repetitively with that arm is change the channel with my remote. In ...Read more