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Homer Simpson Conducts Conan’s TBS Exit Interview - CONAN on TBS
Conan has one last order of business before he wraps up his nightly talk show on TBS - an exit interview with Homer Simpson.
Who Said It?: President Trump vs. Cartoon Characters | The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy shows the audience real quotes and gives them a chance to decide who said it.
What Not to Wear
"We got an invitation to something," I said to my husband as I opened the elegant beige envelope with our names handwritten in calligraphy.
"What is it?" he wondered aloud.
I scanned the invitation. "It's a dinner party for John and Cheryl's anniversary," I said. I read over the rest of the invite and groaned.
"What?"
"The dress is 'fancy ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: The long and chatty road
When it comes to talking the talk and walking the walk, the talk is that I do more talking than walking, even when I’m on a walk.
That’s why I won’t walk back the fact that I talked my way through two recent walks, one on which I had a delightful talk with a retired doctor and the other on which I tried to keep up with my wife, Sue, an ...Read more
Rules for Going Outside With Others
It's the thick of summer. This means I've been, let's say, gently prodded into participating in outdoorsy vacation adventures that test my mettle and push the limits of my even nature.
This year, we headed to the opposite corner of the country, Washington state, to visit family. We took an incredible whale-watching cruise, went up the Space ...Read more
Who Knows What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Hats
"Don't move," I said softly to my mom as we sat having lunch at an outdoor cafe.
"What is it?" she asked in a somewhat alarmed tone.
"There is a spider hanging from your hat," I replied. "But I'll get it." Even though I am deathly afraid of spiders, I felt it was my duty, as my mother's only daughter, to risk life and limb and remove the ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: You can spray that again
Every so often, when dirt, grime and mildew build up, a good power washing is in order. But it would be too messy, so I took a shower.
I had the house power-washed instead.
It had been a long time since our humble abode got such a thorough cleaning. Before that, it was the same mold story: I was responsible for getting the green gunk off the ...Read more
Unboxing America's Depressing Time Capsule
Date: July 4, 2276
Location: Independence National Historical Park, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Event: Opening of the America 250 time capsule
Thank you for coming to the 500th birthday celebration for the Territory of Bezos Sponsored by Diet Coke, formerly known as the United States of America.
Reminder: Please double-blink your eye ...Read more
Getting Some Skin in the Game
As spring moves into summer, one of the things I can be confident of is that my chances of getting exposed to poison ivy go up significantly. For some reason, this seems to be a challenge for me every summer. It has happened every year like clockwork for the 30 years we have been living in the 'burbs, so one would naturally think after such a ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: If looks could grill
Whenever I’m cooking with gas, which causes people who eat what I cook to have the same thing, I’m afraid I will not only burn the burgers but be blown to smithereens, after which I will rest in pieces.
That’s why I feel much safer now that I have a new grill, even though I had to reassemble part of it and ended up with a couple of screws...Read more
The Persistence of Rainbows
Do you know how rainbows are made? Sure, most of us remember third-grade science, prisms dancing from a backyard hose. Light plus water equals color.
But let's go deeper on the mysterious rainbow, a phenomenon that has long dazzled the world's greatest minds. From Norse mythmakers to Aristotle, from Descartes to Newton, thinkers have wrestled...Read more
Blue Skies Shining at Me
"Honey, do we have any sunscreen?" my husband asked.
"Yes," I responded. "I bought, like, a case of it years ago."
"You know that stuff expires, right?"
I actually didn't. I thought sunscreen lasted forever, like Twinkies and Dick Van Dyke. So when I checked out the expiration dates on the sunscreens, I was dismayed to discover that they ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: A farewell to my arm
You know you’re old and washed up as an athlete when you hurt your arm playing Wiffle ball.
That’s what happened when I was the pitcher in a spirited game with my grandchildren, who not only hit home runs off me but ran so fast around the nonexistent bases in my backyard that when I tried to throw them out at home plate, I threw out my arm ...Read more
More Florida Show Ideas for John Oliver
Comedian John Oliver blessed the airwaves with a meaty Florida takedown, spending nearly half an hour Sunday dragging the state's hostile takeover of New College of Florida.
On HBO's "Last Week Tonight," Oliver touched on college President Richard Corcoran's bloated salary, a curious dumpster full of books and other farcical facets of the ...Read more
Chew on This
When I was a kid, we had a Siberian husky named Sasha. My dad decided on a Siberian husky because he wanted a dog that had blue eyes like he did.
Not that he's shallow or anything.
Sasha was a chewer. He wasn't just a dog toy chewer or bone chewer. Sasha was an indiscriminate chewer and was so good at chewing that he could have competed ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: No ignoring all my snoring
As a man who can’t stay awake for the 11 o’clock news, which isn’t worth watching anyway, I tire easily. Then I fall asleep. And I snore with enough force to wake up not only the dead, who sleep pretty soundly, but also my wife, who would like to kill me.
So I got a CPAP machine, which was supposed to cure my sleep apnea. Stupidly, which ...Read more
Scenes From a Cash Register in 2026
Hi.
Hi! Did you find everything you were looking for in STORE?
Yep, thanks.
Just this shirt for you, then?
Mmhmm.
Soooo cute, girl. What's your email address?
Why?
Are you on file with us here at STORE?
Oh, no thanks. I'll just take the top.
No problem at all, babe. It's just that, if you don't ...Read more
Going in Circles
Given the choice between using a regular door and a revolving door, I always choose the regular door. I've been that way since birth. OK, maybe not birth -- I'm fairly certain there was no revolving door where I made my way into the world. But for as long as I can remember, I have been reluctant to go through them. No, not reluctant. Phobic. ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Take 2 pills and keep smiling
Medicine commercials give me a headache. Unfortunately, I have to pay attention to them because their products can either: (a) relieve my headache or (b) kill me.
So I strike a compromise: Whenever one of these pitches comes on the TV screen, which happens approximately once a minute, I turn down the sound.
I can’t bear to listen as the ...Read more
A Lovebug's Dating Profile
Name: Lovebug #543,952
Location: All up in your business, floating into open mouths in the grocery store parking lot, landing on bare legs at the barbecue. You know how we do.
Age: I'm 2 days old (unless you count my six months as a larva), which means I only have a couple days left to live. This dating profile is actually really, uh, urgent...Read more
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