ArcaMax

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed ...Read more

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the ...Read more

I recently experienced something of a meltdown in the egg aisle at the supermarket over which kind of eggs to buy. After much consideration, I finally settled on the eggs I wanted (organic, free-range and cage-free), when I discovered another problem.

When I opened the egg carton I'd selected, there was an egg missing.

Having been the victim...Read more

Greetings, students.

With school in session, you're probably learning mnemonic devices, handy sayings and acronyms. "Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally" helps with the order of operations in math. Likewise, "My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Noodles" stands for the planets.

But have you heard of DARVO? Oh, you must learn DARVO. DARVO will...Read more

Like many women I know, I have a vast array of shoes. Unlike clothing, shoes, for the most part, continue to fit whether you gain or lose weight, so they are the bright spot in a sometimes cruel and taunting closet. For this reason, women take their shoes very seriously and many will spend quite some time organizing their shoes by height, ...Read more

If you drive north on U.S. 19 for hours, turning only at the end of the journey, you'll reach the Florida State Capitol. Almost one clean shot takes you to the hub of state government, a formal house of lawmaking festooned with candy-striped awnings.

I suggest this road trip if you're ever so inclined. Sure, it might save time to hop on an ...Read more

"Oh boy!" exclaimed my husband. "There's a hot sauce shop in town!"

We were away antiquing for the weekend in a quaint village populated by bed-and-breakfasts, art galleries and, apparently, a hot sauce shop. For my husband, this was like discovering that someone had bought you a lottery ticket and you won ... if the lottery prize was a ...Read more

I'm taking a couple late-summer days off next week to noodle around on leisure writing. Perhaps this sounds bananas to normal people, taking a staycation from a writing job to write, but, you know. Some of us were a pleasure to have in class.

My husband is taking the same days off with a goal to clean the garage, a task I want nothing to do ...Read more

I was talking to a friend one night when I abruptly ended the conversation.

"I'm sorry, I have to go," I said. "Otherwise I'll miss the 8:16."

"Oh, are you catching a train?" she asked me.

"No," I replied. "An alien."

The truth was, we had a quandary. Well, it wasn't really that much of a quandary. It was more like an event. A very long, ...Read more

Do you want to start a political action committee? Congratulations on taking the exciting first steps! There are a few key things to know.

First, what is a PAC? Such a baby is born when two or more people give or take funds to support a candidate, party or issue. This allows like-minded folks to pool cash for a cause, like when we got ...Read more

In the time that we've lived in the 'burbs, we've had a veritable parade of icky insecty things cavorting through our home. There were the things with a million legs that crawled up our bathtubs, the infestation of little black ants that marched through our kitchen, the termites that lunched on our wood deck, the Japanese beetles that stopped ...Read more

Every so often, a school dress code materializes with a subtext like so:

Students cannot learn amid the existence of boobs, hips or butts that curve at any juncture. These features indicate the possibility of sex, which is not real, as evidenced by storks. If you are not already shaped like a Triscuit, clothing options include: the ...Read more

"What's with all this candy?" asked my husband, eyeballing a large stack of candy bags on the table.

"It's for Halloween," I replied nonchalantly.

"But Halloween isn't for three more months," he protested.

"I know," I said. "But I had to get it now because of the Candy Apocalypse."

"'Candy Apocalypse'?" he wondered aloud. "I'm not sure I ...Read more