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Late Night Funny #2

Humor / Jokes /

Taco Bell just announced that delivery is now available nationwide. Taco Bell made the decision after stoners kept getting lost at the drive-through.

Jimmy Fallon

Paper prophet: Gene gets a blast from the past

Humor / Below the Beltway /

EDITORS: This column originally ran on January 25, 2009.

WASHINGTON -- I am on the phone with Edward Rogoff, whom I have not seen since we were both 12 years old, living on the same block in the Bronx, playing "stoop ball," a game that exists, so far as I know, only in the Bronx and only in the past, played only among pre-adolescent Jewish boys...Read more

Pleasure Practice

Humor / Katiedid Langrock /

"What's your pleasure practice?" my friend Lynn asked.

We were sitting in a cafe having coffee together. And by "together," I mean I was drinking coffee, which practically landed on her lap after she asked this question and it went out my nose and across the table. Otherwise, Lynn was drinking tea.

"Little personal, don't you think?" I ...Read more

Presenting 'The New Colossal Gall'

Humor / Below the Beltway /

WASHINGTON -- To all potential donors:

Thank you for considering this GoFundMe appeal to finance my Great American Wall project.

No, I am not asking for money to build the Trump wall. Some other guy already thought of that, and fell short of the billions needed. But his success at raising money from ordinary political zealots -- $15 million in...Read more

Girl Scout Cookies

Humor / Katiedid Langrock /

I am now of the age when all of my friends' daughters are becoming Girl Scouts. They post pictures of their cute kids in their blue Daisy uniforms and talk about meetings and singing songs and everlasting friendships and sewing patches and community work.

It gives me hives.

I loathed every minute of my time in the oddly colored scratchy ...Read more

Gene checks out the New Bae in town

Humor / Below the Beltway /

WASHINGTON -- I am on the phone with Bill Staley, co-founder of Primal Palate, a maker of organic spices. Primal Palate was in the news recently because it is being sued by the company that makes Old Bay seasoning; the lawsuit contends that Primal Palate is infringing on Old Bay's trademark by marketing a too-similar seafood spice called New Bae...Read more

Tissue Cigarettes

Humor / Katiedid Langrock /

When I was 13, all I wanted was to be popular. I wanted to sit with the popular kids. Eat with the popular kids. Be one of the popular kids.

So I started working on it. First on the agenda was clothing. All the cool kids were wearing jeans, so I had to have a pair. But in 1995, they didn't make jeans long enough for freakishly long limbs such ...Read more

Gene's magic no-effort diet

Humor / Below the Beltway /

WASHINGTON -- Important announcement to readers:

It has been pointed out to me, not always kindly, that like just about every writer in the United States, I have become tediously obsessed with Donald Trump. He's virtually all we write about. He is horrible, but inescapable. He sucks all the air out of the room.

So, no Trump today. Instead, I ...Read more

Contacts and Signs

Humor / Katiedid Langrock /

I've been working a lot lately. Too much, perhaps. And though I've known people who buoy heavy workloads with a newfound dedication to meditation or morning walks, such an onslaught of deadlines and extraction of brainpower only buoys my dedication to wearing the same jeans and bra 18 days in a row. I think I remember my most recent shower, ...Read more

Presenting Gene's hair-brained scheme

Humor / Below the Beltway /

WASHINGTON -- When Donald Trump tweeted recently that there is no "Smocking Gun" in any alleged case of collusion against him, I wasn't surprised.

The man simply cannot spell. I wasn't even surprised -- though I was delighted -- when he repeated the same mistake later in the same tweet, forfeiting the right to claim it had been just a ...Read more

Cruising With Kids

Humor / Katiedid Langrock /

I am starting off 2019 with my dream job. It is the unexpected-but-always-hoped-for whipped-cream-and-cherry-on-top gig, granted after 14 years of my paying my screenwriting dues. The workload is intense, the accelerated timeline nearly impossible, but the experience is a gift.

One of the more challenging aspects of this job is the quantity ...Read more

A treatise on males and faux-males

Humor / Below the Beltway /

WASHINGTON -- Did you see that recent story in The Washington Post reporting a correlation between male sexual insecurity and the tendency to vote for Republicans, particularly Donald Trump? The Post showed a map of areas where men exhibited sexual insecurity, measured by Google searches for terms like "penis size," "erectile dysfunction," "hair...Read more

Butterflies for Christmas

Humor / Katiedid Langrock /

My 3-year-old wanted one thing from Santa this year: butterflies. Not butterfly-print dresses or rubber butterfly toys. Not even the creepy pinned-down dead butterflies in display cases. Real, living butterflies. And by George, the big man in red brought her some come Christmas morning.

Well, sort of.

I'm somewhat of a celebrity at the North...Read more

Gene's no-good, very bad idea list

Humor / Below the Beltway /

WASHINGTON -- When word oozed out last month that both Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders might be considering another run for the presidency, I admit my first thought was "Nothing could be worse."

I voted for Clinton, and I think she'd make a good president, but ... you know. Last time around, she somehow managed to lose to a guy who has the ...Read more

New Year's on Fire

Humor / Katiedid Langrock /

New Year's Eve glistens with promise. And I'm not just talking about from the Goldschlager. It's the promise of a new tomorrow.

When we create our New Year's resolution -- whether it be to diet, change jobs or get that long-desired tattoo of Nancy Reagan -- the real question being asked is, Whom do I want to become?

This question was never ...Read more

Life support: The party next door / Getting annoyed just means you're getting old

Humor / Below the Beltway /

This column was originally published on March 10, 2003.

WASHINGTON -- For people of my father's generation, getting old was no big deal. Once you passed 45 or so, you simply became a geezer, and it was an identity you accepted. You would proudly walk around with a hitch and a limp, like Grandpappy Amos. (1)

You didn't worry much about ...Read more

The Truth About Santa: Is there such a thing as Santa Claus?

Humor / Katiedid Langrock /

I, like most kids who celebrated Dec. 25, wondered with keen curiosity whether the magical man with a belly full of jelly was real. I would use my best 6-year-old Holmesian detective skills to deduce whether reindeer really could fly and a fat man could fit through a chimney. But the red-nosed truth consisted of many layers, and my Harriet the ...Read more

No shot, Sherlock: Gene flexes his deductive skills

Humor / Below the Beltway /

Gene Weingarten is on vacation. This column originally ran in 2006.

WASHINGTON -- The principal difference between us journalists and ordinary people is that we journalists will shamelessly flaunt our abilities to use "we" and "us" correctly.

Actually, there is a more significant distinction: Compared with you, we have more finely honed...Read more

Frosty Photos

Humor / Katiedid Langrock /

"I can't take the picture if you're crying."

Every parent who has ever attempted professional family photos has probably heard that sentence uttered. But when the photographer said it, she was talking to me.

My children had long gone inside the house. The freezing temperature outside and subsequent death glare from my daughter had cut the ...Read more

Lessons in the deal of the art

Humor / Below the Beltway /

WASHINGTON -- Did you catch the latest contretemps over funding for the arts?

It happened so fast you might have missed it: The D.C. Commission on the Arts and Humanities briefly announced that to receive grants this year, artists and writers would have to agree not to be lewd or political or sexist. This condition was rescinded almost ...Read more

 

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