ArcaMax

What have 12 legs, six eyes, three tails and can't see?
Three blind mice!

What is small, furry and smells like bacon?
A hamster!

When should a mouse carry an umbrella?
When it's raining cats and dogs!

What's the definition of a narrow squeak?
A thin mouse!

Is there a mouse in the house?
No, but there's a moose ...Read more

10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break."

9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina.

8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bringdown."

7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded.

6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap.

5. In your neighborhood, they give ...Read more

I recently moved, and in case you didn't know, moving is No. 3 in the top five most stressful things in your life. No. 2 is divorce, and No. 1 is death of a loved one. Having just moved, I can tell you with certainty that No. 3 can often be the cause of No. 2 and No. 1.

Of course, this might sound silly, especially considering all that's ...Read more

I was called for jury duty. Upon arrival at the courthouse, a bailiff handed every juror a comment card. I thought I'd fill out some of it here.

(SET BOLD)Juror No.:(END BOLD) 37

(SET BOLD)Date of Jury Service:(END BOLD) April 27, 2026

(SET BOLD)Were the instructions on your Summons for Jury Service easy to understand?(END BOLD) Yes. They ...Read more

OK, fellas, you may want to check out of this column.

I want to talk about bras. No, not the sexy, what-woman-in-her-right-mind-would-wear-this-to-go-food-shopping bras. I'm talking about the everyday, full-coverage, gets-the-job-done-without-a-jiggle bras.

For most of my bra-wearing life, I've managed to find the right size bra that made me...Read more

There's a moment in "Mermaid," one of the most Florida movies to have ever Florida'd, when a character describes the Sunshine State:

"It's the only place on earth that can still kind of surprise me."

The oddly beautiful sentiment is followed by dialogue too wild to be printed here. That dichotomy between poetry and shock value sums up "...Read more

I winced as we sat in the audience of an experimental music concert played by a string quartet. Calling it music was being generous. It was more like the sound of a subway car screeching on the tracks, mixed with nails on a chalkboard -- and choruses of crying babies on an airplane.

"I don't get it," I whispered to my husband as the quartet ...Read more

Me: "Hi. This is Tracy Beckerman. I need to schedule a follow-up appointment with the plumber."

Plumber's Assistant: "Hey, my sister's name is Tracy. That's so funny! Do you spell it with an 'e' or no 'e'?"

Me: "Um, no 'e'."

PA: "My sister doesn't spell it with an 'e,' either. I mean, who needs an extra letter for no reason. LOL!"

Me: "...Read more

Hey. Uh. How are you?

Another week has staggered by drunkenly along this melting clock of time. The collective tension in early April will be remembered, as one's doctor might say, as elevated.

Americans have been asked to process unconscionable global headlines while performing daily obligations in an every-man-for-himself economy. As one ...Read more

My husband and I had been circling the narrow cobblestone streets of a small village in Spain for 15 minutes looking for parking, with no success. Every spot was either "no parking" or "no standing" or some other restriction we couldn't make out because the signs were in Spanish and the only two words we knew in Spanish were "parking" and

---...Read more

Time capsule: Florida, United States of America, roughly one week in late March/early April. Do not open this scroll for 100 years.

Gas in shot up to $4.30 per gallon due to the United States and Israel's confusing and deeply unpopular war with Iran. Yes, future friends, many people still drive cars powered by fossil fuels. We hope you are ...Read more

I'm not a great packer. I start out with the best intentions and before I know it, I have packed for every possible occasion, including being stranded on an iceberg and meeting the king of England. Since neither of these two things has ever happened, you would think I would have learned to pack more conservatively. But I have not. So when I ...Read more

I have secretly always longed to be a smoker.

This is not an acceptable thing to say out loud, I know. Due to the fact that cigarettes can kill a person all while making their nails yellow and skin sallow and lips wrinkled and breath horrific, I will never actually start smoking. Nor will I ever recommend that anyone else start smoking. ...Read more

Most couples have cute little endearing pet names for each other. Sweetie. Honey. Schmoopy-Boopy-Snuggie-Woogems.

My husband also has an endearing name for me. He calls me "Two Sips." This comes from my tendency to make myself a cup of coffee, take two sips, and then absentmindedly leave the cup somewhere in the house.

"Hey, Two Sips," he ...Read more