There was a young couple living in an old run down house. One day the man gets home from work and his wife says, "Honey, look at the walls. They haven't been painted as long as we have lived here. It's peeling and cracking; couldn't you please just paint them?"
"Who do I look like? Michelangelo?" the man replies.
"I guess not", says the ...Read more
From a store clerk:
"The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper."
"I'll take a break after I finish waiting on these customers."
"We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up at your home and bring you a new one or give you a complete refund, whichever you ...Read more
A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman.
The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.
The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman.
The detective responded, "I think it's obvious. A ...Read more
In the opinion of the present attorney general of the United States, if you’re not a Christian, you won’t be a good judge. It’s right there in the Constitution: ‘Congress shall make no law respecting the establishment of a religion, yadda, yadda, yadda, what would Jesus do?’ — on Matthew Whitaker, the acting attorney general, who ...Read more
Over the weekend a man in New Jersey was charged with a D.U.I., and he told the police that the reason he drank so much was because the Jets suck. That story again: A man in New Jersey has been drunk for 50 years.
I read that Trump’s been in such a bad mood that his staffers are avoiding him. It gets awkward when they try to hide in the broom closet only to hear Melania say, [whispering] ‘Get your own spot.’
New Yorkers worry about transportation and pollution issues after their elected officials offer more than $3 billion in incentives for Amazon to open its new headquarters in Queens. Correspondent Jaboukie Young-White plans to take to the streets in protest.
Multiple sources told The Los Angeles Times that since the midterm elections, President Trump has, quote, ‘retreated into a cocoon of bitterness and resentment.’ When she heard this, Hillary Clinton was like, ‘Oh, great, now you’re going to take this job from me too?’
"My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."
"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me."
"Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."
"From now on please leave two pints every other ...Read more
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."
One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better,...Read more
An English teacher wrote this phrase on the board and asked her students to properly punctuate it:
"Woman without her man is nothing."
MEN WROTE: Woman, without her man, is nothing.
WOMEN WROTE: Woman! Without her, man is nothing.
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of ...Read more
In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit.
"Oh, no, I can't do that!" the lady said.
"See, the sweater is going to be a surprise!"
Jimmy turned 51 today and there is a woman who he doesn't know that does something very strange on his birthday every year. She throws a party in Jimmy's honor. Her name is Katie Carl, and every November 13th she invites friends and co-workers to come over and celebrate his birthday.
(Kyrsten Sinema, a Democrat had won the Arizona Senate race) is a former Green Party activist who has become a moderate member of Congress, which led her opponent, Republican Martha McSally, to claim she was just ‘pretending to be a centrist.’ Pretending to be a centrist — that is the lamest role play. ‘Oh yeah, baby, you pretend to be a...Read more
Health inspectors will give New York street food vendors letter grades, so if you see a streetcar with the letters A, B or C, that’s just the type of hepatitis you’ll get.
James Corden looks at the news of the day, including Amazon choosing New York and Washington DC to build out their new headquarters, a growing rift between First Lady Melania Trump and Chief of Staff John Kelly and a rather awful attempt at an Idris Elba doll.
After a yearlong search that drew interest from hundreds of cities across the country, Amazon has announced the location of their brand-new second headquarters will be split between New York City and Northern Virginia. And I gotta say, I really think this could be the thing that finally puts New York on the map.
A mother had been teaching her three-year daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after her mother the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.
The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she...Read more