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Expressions For High Stress Days, part 10

Humor / Jokes /

Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."

Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic witch just like you.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

You look like poop. Is that the style now?

Gene Police! Get out of the pool

Continued below...

The Big Question

Humor / Jokes /

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the Emcee that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. ...Read more

Memories and Good Fortune

Humor / Jokes /

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked,so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved, "I love you,Sally."

...Read more

Good Writing Advice

Humor / Jokes /

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.

Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency and a concatenated consistency.

...Read more

Too Much Analysis

Humor / Jokes /

Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.

One turned to the other and said, “Hello.”

The other one thought, “I wonder what he meant by that?”

Reflections of a little ode man

Humor / Below the Beltway /

WASHINGTON -- If you ask columnists to tell you the question that they most frequently hear from the public, they will most likely answer: "Easy! It is, 'What is the question that you most frequently hear from the public?'" Well, they are just messing with you. Columnists are notorious jerks.

There actually is an answer, though. The most common...Read more

Expressions For High Stress Days, part 8

Humor / Jokes /

... continued from above

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

Camping

Humor / Jokes /

Last summer, my husband, Bill, took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.

One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. Bill tried the usual tactics to determine direction - moss on the trees (there was no moss), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day). Just as I was beginning to ...Read more

Work Sayings...

Humor / Jokes /

For those sarcastic moments...

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world...Read more

Slow, Really Slow...

Humor / Jokes /

A young man was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section.

Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and found ...Read more

Banking Error...

Humor / Jokes /

A true story out of San Francisco...

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached ...Read more

Couple Costumes

Humor / Katiedid Langrock /

"How about 'The Wizard of Oz'?"

Too boring.

"How about a family of sugar skull skeletons?"

Too scary.

"We could all dress up as 'How to Train Your Dragon.'"

Not Halloween enough.

"Then how about we dress as candy corn?"

No! Then we'll be sad we can't eat us! Do we have to dress as a family?

My family...Read more

Expressions For High Stress Days, part 2

Humor / Jokes /

Do I look like a gosh darn people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hades with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

You! Off my planet !

Continued below...

Stance Adjustment

Humor / Jokes /

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went ...Read more

Healthy Lifestyle

Humor / Jokes /

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How ...Read more

What Men Call their Women

Humor / Jokes /

What's in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here's what his pet name for you really means.....

Darling -- Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.

Dear -- Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear ...Read more

Hearing Problems?

Humor / Jokes /

A man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the same question until she hears you."

He ...Read more

Late Night Funny #4

Humor / Jokes /

That’s how the world works. A lot of people get opportunities because of who their parents are. Cindy Crawford’s daughter is now a model. Andrew Cuomo's father was the governor of New York before him. And do you think Harry Potter would have gotten all that attention if it wasn’t for his famous wizard parents?

entertainment/humor/jokes/s-2286284">Read more

Late Night Funny #3

Humor / Jokes /

If you ask me, I think the Democratic Party is just too nice. That’s how this happened. Like, the G.O.P. would never do this. They’re literally canceling entire primaries right now to lock out other candidates. Meanwhile, the Democrats are like a nightclub on a Tuesday: everyone gets in. It’s just like, you know, yeah, it’s just like: ��...Read more

Late Night Funny #2

Humor / Jokes /

I also understand why people think LeBron’s comments were insensitive or misguided — but at the same time, I get where he’s coming from. Yeah. Because the Houston Rockets G.M. slammed China on Twitter when LeBron was on his way to China. So LeBron was probably like, ‘Hey, man, start this beef after I leave. What’s wrong with you, man? ...Read more

 
 

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