A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
Jimmy Fallon's monologue from Tuesday, May 22.
A sinkhole has opened up on the White House lawn. True story. Apparently one of Melania’s tunnels collapsed.
I heard that White House aides have told Trump to switch out his cellphone on a monthly basis, but he says it’s too inconvenient. Trump said, ‘The only thing I switch out on a monthly basis is my staff.’
It turns out, the president has staffers who help him compose those tweets, and according to The Boston Globe, the staffers add grammatical errors to make them seem more authentically Donald Trump. They do this because they think tweets with errors in them make the president more relatable. And they do — to idiots.”
Stephen argues that what's missing from this iteration of American executive overreach is pushback from the other branches.
Now, some people are calling this a constitutional crisis, but I don’t know about that. A constitutional crisis technically requires that one branch of the government push back against another branch of government. Everybody here is pushing in the same direction, and it’s down — with a pillow over the Constitution’s face, going, ‘Shhh,...Read more
In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"
The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
When We Were Married #1Daniel Quentin Steele
OJ SIMPSON, CASEY ANTHONY, TRAYVON MARTIN
Three of the best known names in the world, figuring in three of the most internationally famous criminal trials of the past quarter century.
Those trials made their names famous and made media stars of defense attorneys. ...
A minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children's message. It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the ...Read more
Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.
"What happened?" asks the first officer.
"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."
"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last...Read more
A student at our high school a few years back, having had his fill with drawing graph after graph in senior high math class, told his teacher, "I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line!"
...A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show, a window was something you hated to clean, and ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend, and gig was something you did on stage for money; now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment, a program was a TV ...Read more
Stephen summons his inner fearmonger and warns viewers about a deadly new trend among middle-aged people: 'brieing,' the practice of taking MDMA wrapped in brie.
In between fits of hysteria this weekend, Donald Trump welcomed Melania back home after her kidney procedure. He tweeted his welcome and wrote Melanie instead of Melania. He misspelled his own wife's name! Melania is an uncommon name, but it's not so hard to spell, so we decided to conduct an experiment today. We went around to every Starbucks ...Read more
It’s not fair that a president who won’t read a two-page press briefing makes us read a six-part Twitter rant.
Today, President Trump went to the swearing-in ceremony for new C.I.A. director Gina Haspel. In her speech she said we can’t ‘rest on our laurels.’ And then Trump chimed in and said, ‘Or our Yannys.’
A man was arrested for urinating on a seat during a Frontier Airlines flight. It was the first time anyone has ever associated Frontier Airlines with No. 1.
Seth takes a closer look at the investigation of Trump's campaign widening to include more countries and the president spinning a wild conspiracy theory about the FBI spying on him.
Listen up, middle-aged people — drugs and cheese sound fun, right? No harm in a little Brie-basing. But then you find yourself dabbling in am-feta-mines, mozzare-L.S.D., Monterey crack, a little mars-coke-pone to get you through the week, and before you know it, you’re having a Havarti party behind the Whole Foods doing meth-chego and ...Read more
The soldier serving in eastern Asia was annoyed and upset when his girl sent him a "Dear John" letter, breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
The serviceman went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find. Then he bundled them all together and sent them back to the girl...Read more