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ArcaMax

Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

Humor / Jokes /

1. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad ...Read more

The nuclear option

Humor / Below the Beltway /

WASHINGTON -- When residents of Hawaii recently endured a half-hour of believing they were going to be incinerated by an incoming ballistic missile, many of them spent the time telling friends and family members that they loved them. It was ennobling and heartwarming and uplifting to the human spirit, of course, but kind of predictable and ...Read more

Three Questions

Humor / Jokes /

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.

"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.

"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"

"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"

"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

Unfair Payment

Humor / Jokes /

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz and, after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honour," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him ...Read more

News Swindle

Humor / Jokes /

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."

The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling...Read more

Free Drinks

Humor / Jokes /

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the ...Read more

A Dog's Rules for Christmas

Humor / Jokes /

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get ...Read more

Back From the Dead

Humor / Katiedid Langrock /

Henri is back from the dead. I didn't believe it at first. Surely, I was being catfished. But after an extensive Google search, it was clear. Henri wasn't in the grave; he was in Bogota, Colombia.

It started with a simple Facebook message to one of our old roommates. He wished her a belated happy new year. She responded with elation and ...Read more

Chicken Jokes

Humor / Jokes /

Question: Why did the chicken lay an egg?
Answer: Because it would break if she dropped it!

Question: Where did the chicken go on her vacation?
Answer: Sandy Eggo

Question: Why did the egg cross the street?
Answer: To get to the shell station.

Question: Why did the chicken lay her eggs on a axe?
Answer: She ...Read more

What's For Lunch?

Humor / Jokes /

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and...Read more

The Good Ol' Days

Humor / Jokes /

A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days.

"Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."

For The Kids...

Humor / Jokes /

Q: What is a ghost's favourite day of the week?
A: Frightday!

Q: Where do Chinese vampires come from?
A: Fanghai!

Q: Why did the skeleton pupil stay late at school?
A: He was boning up for his exams!

Q: How do you join the Dracula fan club?
A: Send your name, address and blood group!

Q: What do you call a stupid ...Read more

Quick Ones

Humor / Jokes /

A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better. Her title: 'Nun of Your Business.'

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Q: How do geologists like their scotch? A: On the rocks.

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How is the Force Like Ducktape?

It has a light side and it has a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Crop Circles

Humor / Jokes /

Q. Why do aliens make crop circles?

A. Because they are corny.

Talking Grapes

Humor / Jokes /

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!

Astrology vs. Economics

Humor / Jokes /

Why has astrology been invented?

So that economics could be an accurate science.

Chicken Advice

Humor / Jokes /

The chickens in a large hen house started to quarrel, wounded each other and many of them died every day. The upset farmer hurried to a consultant, and asked for a solution to his problem.

"Add baking-powder to the chickens' food," said the consultant, "it will calm them down."

After a week the farmer came back to the consultant and said: "My ...Read more

Today's Fairy Tales

Humor / Jokes /

A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon A Time?"

"No," he replied. "A whole lot of them begin with 'If elected, I promise...'"

Hair Stylists React to Trump’s Hair Flapping in the Wind

Humor / Jokes /

Trump was getting on Air Force One to head to Mar-A-Lago for the weekend when the wind blew his hair in a very peculiar way. We were so taken by this video that we decided to go around town to ask real hair styling professionals what they think about whatever that is on Donald Trump’s head.

Racist Roadshow / Full Frontal on TBS

Humor / Jokes /

How racist are your treasured family trinkets? Ashley Nicole Black knows! Bring 'em on down to The Racist Roadshow.

 

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