A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God.
While he was praying, he asked God, "How long is 10 million years to you?"
God replied, "One second."
The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "A penny."
Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can I have one...Read more
Tina was on her deathbed, with her husband Mike at her side. He held her cold hand as silent tears streamed down his face.
"Mike," she said weakly.
"Hush my darling," he interrupted, "don't talk, save your strength."
But she insisted, "Mike, before I die, there's something that I have to confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the ...Read more
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw ...Read more
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the ...Read more
1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.
2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.
3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.
4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.
5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid
6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk
7. Just ...Read more
Bringing the Worst Thing to a Potluck
We have had two major earthquakes here in Southern California in the last week. There have been lots of rules over the years about what do during an earthquake, but time and time again those rules have been overturned in favor of new ones. Everyone in our office was ok, but that didn't stop family members from texting all of us, to make sure we ...Read more
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
How many Zen Budhists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change the lightbulb, one not to change the lightbulb.
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot ...Read more
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
- Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
- If you try ...Read more
My mother taught me esp – put your sweater on; don’t you think i know when you are cold?
My mother taught me humor – when that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.
My mother taught me how to become an adult – if you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.
My mother taught me about my roots – shut ...Read more
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool
And ...Read more
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he...Read more
A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.
The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
Tom Holland loves working with his 'Spider-Man: Far From Home' co-star Jake Gyllenhaal. It's working OUT with him that's the problem.
Demetri Martin reveals his smelly ritual when boarding a plane and wonders what “OK” is short for.
Ted Patrick devotes his life to deprogramming brainwashed cult members after infiltrating the Children of God.