ArcaMax

Having moved 15 times during our 37-year marriage, my husband and I appreciate movers who take the time to label carefully boxes they pack for us.

The accuracy of labels can make a huge difference when we try to find something right away.

My favorite was done by one guy who attached this sticker to a box - obviously not knowing how to ...Read more

Yawn. Time for another sun-dappled morning of human existence, drinking in the beauty of the natural world. Let me just turn off the phone alarm. Oop. News alert.

Former Anthropic researcher warns AI could kill us all.

Oh.

Coffee.

OK, it says here that multiple AI researchers are sounding alarms that the rapid expansion of ...Read more

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.

2. Bandage left thumb.

3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments

4. Bandage left foot.

5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand).

6. Light Match.

7. Light Match.

8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.

9. Apply match to slivers, add ...Read more

An old man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. The old man replies, in a thick acccent, "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the ...Read more

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. --George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year. --Victor Borge

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. --Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a ...Read more

Catch and Release -

A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook -

1. A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. 2. A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel. 3. The punch ...Read more

In a plane that's about to crash, there are three passengers: the wisest man on earth, a student, and a politician.

When they find out that the plane is about to go down and there is only one parachute between the three of them they debate about who would sacrifice his life for the country and who will jump to safety.

The politician says he's...Read more

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons...Read more

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair

Name something Red - My cardigan

Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal - Mail

A number you have to memorize - 7

Something you do before going to bed - Sleep

Something you put on walls - Roofs

Something in the garden that's ...Read more

A fire started in some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers ...Read more

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person ...Read more

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Milwaukee.

They turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar" " ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!" They look at each other, and then go in.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you, what'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully ...Read more

One morning in a posh hotel breakfast room, a guest called over the head waiter. "Good morning, sir! I'd like to order two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's runny, and the other so overcooked that it's tough.

"I also want some rubbery bacon, burnt toast, and butter that's so cold it's impossible to spread.

"Finally, I'll have a...Read more

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'Best Deals'.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'Lowest Prices'.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the ...Read more

I LEAVE:

To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.

To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments.

To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.

To my neighbour: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.

To the farm credit corporation: My ...Read more

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations throughout the U.S. Hopefully, none of us will be seeing similar ones on ours.

- He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

- I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

- He's been working with glue too much.

- He would argue with a ...Read more

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands. Following is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you ...Read more

* All great discoveries are made by mistake.

* Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

* Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

* All's well that ends.

* A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the ...Read more

My friend's husband always teases her about her lack of interest in household chores.

One day he came home with a gag gift, a refrigerator magnet that read: "Martha Stewart doesn't live here."

The next day he came home to find the magnet holding up a slip of paper.

The note read, "Neither does Bob Vila."

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."