ArcaMax

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Lemonade.
Lemonade Who?
Lemonade me introduce you to my friend!

The new Librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a...Read more

What is the definition of Agony?

A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy toes.

An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.

"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"

"Yes," said the Navy brat.

"My dad has built them."

Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"

"Yes."

"It's my dad who's killed it!"

Where do ants go to eat?
At a restaurant!

What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Antteneye!

What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian!

What kind of ants are very learned?
Pedants!

What do you call a smart ant?
Elegant!

What do you call a rich frog?
A golf blooded reptile!

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about ...Read more

The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem.

Those who don't know are also in two groups.

One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn!

But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit ...

One day a man was driving down the road in a hot red convertable. He was driving 15 mph when a rabbit hopped in front of his car. As the man swerved the rabbit swerved also and was run over. The man got out of the car and started crying, upset that he'd killed the rabbit.

Just then a woman drives up and asks him what's wrong, when he tells her ...Read more

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him.

"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game."

"When is that?" asked the kid.

"Right after the National Anthem."

The morning of the reaping, I was so smug.

I thought: Have fun at your meetings, suckers of the corporate macrocosm, for I have chosen the life of a voyager. I set off into the outdoors to report for a future column, details I will reserve for now. The journey involved hiking less than 2 miles through Honeymoon Island State Park in Dunedin, ...Read more

A man was looking around a small gift shop when he came across an amazingly ugly statue of a rat. As he was staring at this statue, the shopkeeper came up to him and began to speak.

"Sir, I couldn't help but notice your interest in the statue. It's only five dollars, sir, but the story behind it will cost you fifty." The man turned back around ...Read more

The aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," replied the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the ...Read more

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the ...Read more

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 each -- three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix ...Read more