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Politics

Don’t you just love laundry day?

Danny Tyree on

Tyrades! by Danny Tyree

I despise airing my dirty laundry in public, but I’ll make an exception for kvetching about my clean laundry.

I have primary responsibility for my family’s laundry. Fair enough. I realize I should be grateful that I am spared the drudgery of the old wringer washer or beating garments against river rocks; but because of various aggravations, my thoughts tend to be less “ring around the collar” than “hands around somebody’s throat.”

It’s not just the cliché of vanishing sock mates or the unergonomic design of washers and dryers or the notion that in 2022 we still have dyes that run fast enough to win Olympic gold.

It’s not just the confusing settings (I stick with two favorites: “like it” or “lump it”) or even “never needs ironing” malarkey. (That’s like the maternity ward sending a baby home emblazoned with a “Never Needs Changing” stamp.)

Surely, I’m not the only person who suspects that clothes washers are sentient beings who know exactly when to make mischief. If you’re shaving, relaxing on the throne or battling a grease fire, odds are that the house will suddenly reverberate with the “WOMP WOMP WOMP” of the dreaded Unbalanced Load. (“Thanks for moving the mitten a silly little millimeter to the left, buddy. Fourth time’s the charm. We cool?”)

 

If you manage to get most of the water spun out of the load, then the eccentricities of the clothes dryer come into play.

You’ll convince yourself that you have time to empty the dryer and put in a new load of wet wash before scooting out the door for work, but you’ll come up against the harsh reality that a playful sheet has made the Ultimate Sacrifice in the dryer.

Like a parent shielding his child from a crazed gunman, the soggy queen-size sheet has wrapped five pairs of socks, two towels and a Hard Rock Café T-shirt in its loving embrace. (Hey, queen – we are not amused!)

C’mon, dryer, you’ve got basically two jobs: tumble the laundry and dry it. But I’ll bet the show-off could work a Rubik’s Cube without breaking a sweat. I really don’t need the sleeves of multiple shirts eternally melded like family members at Pompeii. And I’m not awarding a Cub Scout knot-tying merit badge just because ol’ Kenmore can convert frayed towel threads into a sheepshank around blouse buttons.

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Copyright 2022 Danny Tyree, All Rights Reserved. Credit: Cagle.com

 

 

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