ArcaMax

Your thoughts?

– Keeping Busy

Dear Keeping Busy: You seem to define “idleness” as a pejorative, and I wonder if you send your husband some signals (unconscious and overt) that you don’t approve of the way he is spending his time.

During your busy corporate career, I’m assuming you spent more time away from home than you do now – but your husband may have assumed your choices would change appreciably once you left that job.

I recently read a study profiling several couples newly in retirement, and in each case one partner seemed quite frustrated that the other wasn’t busy enough; these couples seemed to be struggling to adjust to the changed balance in their lives. Rebalancing takes time and effort.

You and your husband might compromise by choosing an activity out of the house that you could enjoy together. You should research some new pursuits that might be of common interest to see if you could build up a fresh dynamic.

Also – knowing your weekly schedule in advance might help him to be less triggered by your coming and going.

Otherwise, since you seem unwilling to change your lifelong habits for him, your husband needs to understand that ultimately he is responsible for his own happiness.

He might reject couples counseling, but individual counseling could help him a lot.

Social connections are vital to health and contentment in the latter years, and he would benefit from connecting with other men at a similar stage in life.

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