Ask Amy: Spouse lives in a world of ‘no’s’
It would be self-sabotage to leave the marriage after 40 years.
How can I encourage the same care and security internally?
I would like to break my vow of silence, feeling secure that I won’t immediately be contradicted, but I’m at a loss for how to do that.
– Wife With No Words Left
Dear No Words: If your husband’s contradictory reactions are confined mainly to his interactions with you, then it would seem that his entrenched negativity is expressing hostility toward you.
If he tends to be “Mr. No” with everyone, then I’d say his hostility is directed toward himself. He seems quite unhappy.
Avoidance is a natural response to being continuously shut down, and so actually – you are giving him the “silent treatment,” but it is important for you to recognize that you do have a voice and have a right to use it.
I hope you will try to start a conversation about the effect this is having on you. If you use “I” statements, such as, “I feel sad when you respond to me with such negativity,” he can shoot back, “No, you don’t” – which will bring the whole process into the realm of the absurd, and might catch his attention.
There are many books and resources offering ways to communicate better. Therapy could help you two to make great strides. One book you might read is, “Dealing with the Elephant in the Room: Moving from Tough Conversations to Healthy Communication,” by Mike Bechtle (2017, Revell).
Dear Amy: Since my husband retired, he has stopped taking daily showers.
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