Ask Amy: Dad is sad that wife has become ‘mom’
So, I’d have to toss this back to you, suggesting that you might frame your longings less as “complaints” posed to your wife, and more as your sincere yearning to continue to be with her in an intimate and private adult relationship, while transitioning to what can be an extremely fulfilling role as parents and partners – together.
Your loneliness and hurt feelings are evident, but you also seem to be asking your wife to be all things to everyone in the family. I wonder if there are changes you can make in order to preserve part of her limited “bandwidth” for your relationship. This might require that you step up more as an active dad to the children you love so much, so that she can start to reclaim some of her identity as an individual apart from them.
Overwhelmed parents can very easily forget who they were before parenthood; the day is a blur of lost sippy cups and LEGO pieces before you fall, exhausted, into bed.
A true and brief break from the kids can work wonders, whether it is a weekly “date night,” or a weekend away from them. When was the last time you (not your wife) arranged for a sitter or made plans with a friend or family member to have the kids for an overnight?
Are you courageous and curious enough to sit with a marriage counselor, even if it means perhaps hearing some of your wife’s “complaints” about your home life and the imbalance in your relationship?
Dear Amy: In the past, when I have sent sympathy cards, sometimes I get a thank you card in response.
Is this a requirement?
I did not send thank you cards to the few people who reached out to me after my aunt (who I took care of for many years) died last September, but I did very much appreciate their kindness.
My mother is very elderly, so I may be facing this situation again at any time.
– Wondering in Massachusetts
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