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Ask Amy: Post-divorce disclosure brings about dilemma

Amy Dickinson, Tribune Content Agency on

Dear Amy: After we divorced (decades ago), at some point my ex-husband told me that he was the father of another boy (he and I have two sons).

He said the woman had used him as a “sperm donor” without his knowledge and that she wasn’t interested in him playing any role in the child’s life, nor did she want any money from him.

I’ve kept his secret for a couple of decades.

My sons are now 39 and 36.

I’m wondering if I should tell them that they have a half-sibling, since their father clearly hasn’t? I think I’d want to know if I were in their shoes.

I’m no longer on good terms with my ex, and I fear his anger if I were to ask him whether he plans to tell them.

 

What do you think? I’d hate them to think I was telling them in order to put their father in a bad light.

– Unsure

Dear Unsure: This is the very definition of “not your business.” And yet, because these are your sons, you can tell yourself that knowing about a half-brother is important for them, or that at the very least they should know about this because their well-being IS your business.

Given the ubiquity of DNA testing these days, there is some likelihood that these brothers will all stumble across one another at some point.

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