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However, she is a social drinker herself.

I don't know anything in her history related to substance abuse, and I have asked her about this specific point, but I get nothing in return. It is confusing. Do you have any theories?

— Barked At, Not Bitten

Dear Barked At: Running away is a natural response to loud “barking.” You are choosing “flight” over “fight,” and while that might be the wisest choice in the moment, you and “Mara” aren’t dealing with her behavior – or what might be causing it.

Because you mention your drinking as one trigger, you could start there. Do you behave differently after you’ve had a drink? Do you become loud, sarcastic, or sleepy? Did she have another partner (or a parent) who had a drinking problem? Might her own alcohol use be triggering her anger? You two should talk about your mutual alcohol use.

Is she going through menopause? This monumental hormonal shift can cause extreme behavioral changes. She should see her doctor. Does she signal her stress before an eruption? If so, perhaps she – and not you – could go for a solo drive to cool down.

I highly recommend the book “10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage,” by marriage researchers John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman (2007, Harmony). Read it together. Quick lessons from this important book: Treat your partner as a friend. (Gently!) Don’t push your problems aside. Talk about your feelings.

Try to look beyond her anger (for now) and key into her longing. What does she want? What do you want?

Dear Amy: I hate my husband of 21 years. I don't want to be married to him anymore, but I am fearful of what the future holds if I leave.

I am 56 years old, I do not make a lot of money, nor do I have much in retirement savings. My three children are all over 18 (two still live at home).

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