Ask Amy: Friend who is reeling needs soft place to land
“Your friend is going through an extremely destabilizing experience in an already destabilizing time. I picture divorce as the center of a Venn Diagram where so many circles of feeling overlap: sadness and grief for the life you had; fear and insecurity about the future; guilt about not being able to ‘fix it.’ And that’s without a pandemic!
“She may or may not be depressed, but she is certainly grief-stricken and reeling. It’s normal to feel heartbroken when your heart’s been broken. It’s also normal to pull away, because you feel like you won’t be good company, like you are a burden. Be patient with her. Let her know she doesn’t need to ‘cheer up’ for you: she can feel however she’s feeling for as long as she needs to, and you’re not going anywhere.
“Above all: even if you have to physically keep your distance because of the pandemic, keep showing up. Be a constant in a sea of overwhelming variables. Be a soft place for her to land.”
I’ll add my voice to Maggie’s. During my own losses, people who have been able to simply dwell with me in my own worst moments have given me what I needed most.
Dear Amy: I have a very dear male friend (married) who has suddenly begun making inappropriate comments to me.
I am also married, and his wife is a good friend.
I want to tell him to stop, but don’t want to ruin our friendship in any way.
How do you suggest I handle this?
— Inappropriate
Dear Inappropriate: Here’s the thing about inappropriate boundary-crossers: they get to do/say what they want, while you get to worry about “ruining the friendship.”
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