ArcaMax

Dear Amy: I have a sister in her 30s, who has been married for a few years to a man that my family and I thought very highly of — until recently, when his true colors came out.

A few months ago, he and my sister had an argument and he sent a text to our entire family saying horrible and vulgar things about her.

This was just the beginning. As it turns out he is very controlling (telling her whom she can and cannot speak to at work). He treats her with disrespect in front of their children. He makes her feel like everything she does is wrong.

She was always such a self-assured young woman. It breaks my heart to see her going through this and questioning herself. She even said to me recently that his actions make her wonder if she deserves to be treated badly. That made me so sad for her. I reassured her that no one deserves to be treated this way!

I went through this for far too long with my ex-husband, so I know exactly what she is dealing with, and yet, I don't know what to do for her or what to tell her. She's not to the point of wanting to leave yet. She says she still loves him. I know it might take time (like it did for me) — to see the light.

What can I do for her in the meantime?

— Heavy-Hearted Sister

Dear Sister: You have insight into this sad situation because you experienced it, yourself, and so you should treat your sister the way you wish you had been treated by concerned family members.

Remember how you felt when you were in her shoes, and behave with empathy, compassion, patience, and understanding.

People in abusive partner relationships have many competing agendas, including worrying about their children, economic pressure, feeling repressed, intimidated, frightened, and alone. They also risk being harshly judged for staying in the relationship.

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