Ask Amy: Dad needs to rewrite his father’s old scripts
Dear Amy: My father was judgmental, critical, mean to my mother, and generally lacking in empathy or love. I can't remember him ever saying "I love you" to any of us. He would start these fights with Mom that would make everyone uncomfortable.
My mother died in 2007. She modeled good parenting, and we never questioned her love for us.
I'm now married (12 years, second time). I consciously vowed never to be like my dad.
I recently visited my brother and his wife. During my visit, I immediately recognized the exact same behavior I detested in my dad, coming from my brother. He was constantly belittling his wife, and was impatient and critical. It was scary to watch, and took my breath away.
Recently, particularly during the COVID-19 stay-at-home, I started recognizing my father in me! Innocent little arguments with my wife became big ridiculous fights (usually dragged on by me). I started using the same belittling language and angry tendencies I recognized from my dad (and now my brother) when talking to my young children!
I have tried so hard to model what I remember from my mother's loving and gracious behavior - I tell my kids and wife I love them all the time.
I intentionally do everything I can do to be a caring, loving husband and father. But I am now recognizing these demons from my father and I'm scared.
Is this normal? Is there a way to quash this behavior? I want my kids and family to love me and always remember me for being a loving father, not an angry, belittling and critical jerk.
Scared in Denver
Dear Scared: You are not consigned to behave as your father did. You have every advantage – you have your mother’s good example, and (most important), you possess both awareness and the desire to change.
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