Ask Amy: Dad needs to rewrite his father’s old scripts
Stress will always bring out these very old scripts, but you can intentionally rewrite them, with your wife’s help.
Sit with her during a calm and private moment and talk about how you escalate these arguments. Always remember – when you’re triggered, use “I” statements and never “you” statements. So – “YOU are a so-and-so” becomes “I feel angry/upset/out of control right now.”
Remember that all-important “fight or flight” animal impulse? You should always choose “flight.” Remove yourself. Cool down. Anchor to your best intentions.
Unfortunately, many “I love yous” do not erase one “You’re worthless.” So – always, always apologize, and use specifics about what you are apologizing for. To your kids: “I’m so sorry I said that to you. I’m not being a good dad to you when I talk that way. My dad acted like that and I know how scary it is to be yelled at and called names. I’m going to remind myself to take a deep breath, count to ten, and stop myself from saying hurtful things that I don’t mean.”
Dear Amy: When I was recently widowed, there were many depressing chores to get through, but some of the financial surprises could have been avoided.
Perhaps some of your readers would benefit from being made aware of those surprises.
My husband ,unbeknownst to me, had subscribed to some businesses that were directly billed to our credit card accounts. I only became aware of them as deliveries were made, some of which had no return addresses or contact numbers -- electronic or otherwise.
Unscrambling them was a nasty and time-consuming job.
To compound matters, one credit card vendor that I contacted to report my husband’s death then summarily canceled MY card without as much as a: “so sorry,” even though we had a spotless credit record.
My advice is: Be sure you share with your partner ALL of your account information. It will spare them so much heartache and stress.
Not a Financial Wizard
Dear Wizard: Thank you for this helpful lesson. Now that so many of us have revolving automatic billing and don’t even see a paper bill, sorting this out could be challenging work during a very tough time.
Dear Amy: “Grieving Daughter” wanted to visit her dad, but he wouldn’t let her visit unless she stopped smoking. Thank you for pointing out that almost any smoke residue can be toxic for some people. “Dead” residue on clothing can make me violently ill. “Live” smoke will send me to the ER.
Clean Air!
Dear Clean Air: Also, smokers tend not to realize how strong the residue on their own skin, hair, and clothing is, even if they have smoked outside.
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(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
