Ask Amy: Mom wonders if boyfriend is too feminine
Is this coldness something new? Why couldn't they say the name of the person?
I hope people in these fields will take notice and pass the word.
-- Still Grieving
Dear Grieving: I am so sorry you have endured these painful losses. My own experience with death is that the experience really heightens awareness and sensitivity to many interactions surrounding loss.
One reason to use this impersonal terminology would be because many people are known by a different name than is on their death certificate. If your life partner was named "James," but was known to family members by his middle name, "Thomas," referring to him by the wrong name would be upsetting.
And professionals might not always know the relationship of the person they are addressing to the deceased. For instance, referring to your partner as your "husband" might have been incorrect.
This is from the Health and Human Service's (HHS.gov) website: "The HIPAA Privacy Rule protects the individually identifiable health information about a decedent for 50 years following the date of death of the individual." This covers identifiable health information; professionals might run with this, through an (over)abundance of caution.
I completely agree with you that referring to a loved-one's body as "the remains" is cold, hurtful, and upsetting. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Dear Amy: A recent response to "Lea, in Santa Cruz, CA" explored the stigma of adults living with their parents.
The stigma is not so much of living WITH your parents, as much as it is leeching off the parents.
The adult living in the parent's basement caring only for their own needs is judged completely differently than an adult who is working and paying rent and contributing to the household.
-- Been There
Dear Been There: Yes, I completely agree.
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(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
