Online addict worries about relationship
Dear Amy: My husband and I are a same-sex couple. We have been together for six years (married for the past year). During this time, I have battled with an embarrassing addiction -- to social media and sexting.
Over the course of our time together I was caught on three occasions -- two prior to being married and the third time just three weeks ago.
In the past when this happened, we were able to take some time apart and work things out. This time is different.
He found out about my online contact but didn't tell me until I received a text message from him a week later. He asked me to move out (which I did), but he wants no contact, unless it's to talk about the dogs or me moving the rest of my stuff out of the home. He refuses to talk about our relationship.
I understand that this is my fault, but he also carries some blame. He would be in bed by 9 p.m. most nights and due to medication had very little sex drive. This made me feel lonely and sad and I would turn to online chats to fill the emptiness.
I am getting counseling and have made a number of changes to deal with my addiction, but I still love him and want to work on the relationship.
I am willing to do whatever it takes to finally deal with my issues (which I should have done years ago), but it's hard without my husband behind me, or at least acknowledging that I'm trying. How can I get through to him?
-- Hurt
Dear Hurt: You choose to label your behavior as an addiction. I see it more as a choice. Your relationship wasn't as fulfilling as you wanted, and so you went looking elsewhere. Labeling this choice as an addiction, versus a compulsion triggered by a lack of attention, suspends your personal responsibility for your own behavior. The sooner you take responsibility, the sooner you will gain insight, control, and the motivation and ability to make real and lasting change.
You seem to be trying to manipulate your ex back into a relationship. He is not ready or willing to deal with you right now. He deserves the time and space to make his own choices, just as you have done. Don't crowd him. The most loving thing you can do for him is to respect his need for space.
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