In-laws are too self-focused to notice pregnancy
Dear Amy: My husband and I are really frustrated with his father and his father's second wife, who came into the picture when all the children were adults. We have been trying for almost a decade to connect and make getting together more bearable. It's not working, and I'm ready to throw in the towel.
Amy, they just refuse to engage with us! My husband has explained his job every visit for the last two years because they don't listen to his response. They never ask about me; I may as well be invisible. They talk about themselves constantly, interrupt you when you talk, and basically talk over other people.
My husband and I recently told them that we are expecting a baby. Not only did they not ask how I was doing with the pregnancy, but 10 minutes later his wife was talking about her health problems.
I feel like we are at an impasse. I can't stand to be treated like I don't matter, and I don't want to force myself to be around people who aren't supportive, especially as a first-time mom. My husband is feeling angry with their behavior, which upsets both of us.
Should I just go to family events a few times a year and suck it up, or should my husband and I try again to explain that their relationship with us is falling apart because of their behavior?
-- Try, Try, Again?
Dear Try, Try: Yes, you might as well convey to your in-laws the way you feel when you are with them. Doing so might make you feel better, but you must also understand that it is not likely to inspire change.
The presence of a grandchild might nudge them toward a different focus, but again -- people who are completely self-absorbed tend to dive into their self-regard, regardless of the audience.
These future grandparents will miss out on a lot. More is the pity. Yes, show up at family events a few times a year and tolerate the behavior, which you cannot change. Reward family focused and generous behavior with the quality of your own attention.
Dear Amy: I have a friend from over 20 years ago, who has essentially invited himself to stay with me, in my one bedroom/bathroom home, for his vacation.
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