Parents want passive son-in-law to step up
-- Put Upon
Dear Put Upon: If you never express your own needs or expectations, you cannot expect them to be met.
You have trained this couple (I'm including your daughter) to be passive, because of your own unwillingness to demonstrate leadership.
Leadership in parenting isn't only providing for your children and expecting gratitude in return, but mentoring them toward being productive, helpful, and considerate toward you.
Until this couple learns that there is a new sheriff in town, they will carry on -- and you will continue to silently stew.
Given his background and your history of tiptoeing and enabling the two of them, he will never offer to help -- with anything. And in letting him behave this way, you are actually part of the problem. You have known him for his entire adulthood. And you have kept him right where he is -- a high school kid with challenging relationships and arrested development.
You could nudge him toward being a more productive family member by simply asking him, and then providing positive reinforcement when he complies.
You say, "Steve, do me a favor and get the grill going, would you, please?"
You also say -- to both of them, "You know -- Dad and I have helped you two out a lot over the years. And Steve, we'd really appreciate it if you expressed some acknowledgment and gratitude. We love your kids, and we're on your side. But we don't get much back. We think we deserve better."
(Car maintenance, by the way, is not something you "believe in." You just do it. You need to let them live with the consequences of not taking care of their vehicles.)
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