ArcaMax

Dear What's: You present yourself as a pretty cool customer.

Your attitude regarding not wanting to limit your wife's "friendship" is commendable.

It's a shame that you don't actually feel this way.

How do I know that you don't feel this way? Because your lack of trust is inspiring you to spy on her -- not that I blame you.

You created an expectation that she should scale back the "physical" portion of this relationship. She seems to be complying. So ... case closed? Obviously not.

There is no one way to have a marriage. Each party in a marriage has the right to live out their own personal dreams. If this friendship is important and makes her happy, and if she takes this fulfilment and happiness back to you and the kids -- then great! But these late-night texts, endearments and fantasies seem to take her away from you. And this is not quite the marriage that YOU want to be in.

True intimacy requires a pulling together around your little circle. You two should talk about it. Don't worry about being Mr. Cool. If this behavior wounds you, then say so. If you want to be her fantasy guy, then make your bid.

Dear Amy: I'm responding to a question from "Upset," a second wife who was wondering why her husband's first wife was making a claim for his pension.

The Pension Rights Center (pensionrights.org) is a national consumer organization working to protect and promote the retirement rights of workers, retirees and their families.

While you were definitely correct in saying that Upset's "husband might have agreed to this beneficiary arrangement as part of his divorce settlement," it is unlikely that the husband could have simply changed the beneficiary choice in his plan (especially if it's a traditional defined benefit plan and not a 401(k) plan. The exact answer depends on when the husband retired, when he divorced and the type of pension he had (company, federal government, state government, etc.).

Remember that the pension is often the largest asset in a marriage and is treated generally as marital property and we at PRC have fought to ensure that spouses are treated fairly in divorce.

The Pension Rights Center is now organizing a new Initiative on Women and Retirement at Divorce. Divorced women over 65 are three times more likely to live in poverty than their married counterparts. And often women who were awarded a portion of their ex-spouse's pensions find it difficult to obtain the pensions they rightfully deserve.

-- Karen Friedman, Pension Rights Center, Washington, D.C.

Dear Karen: Thank you for your advocacy, and for clarifying this complicated topic.

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(You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: ASKAMY@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or "like" her on Facebook.)