Brother won't fly to Israel, opts for guilt trip, instead
Dear Anonymous: You don't get to ask if someone "is allowed" to make you feel guilty. Guilt is a two-way transaction.
Do not diminish the importance of a Bar Mitzvah in a family's story. Whether or not you are religious, they are, and this is huge.
You seem unwilling to feel "bad" for having to miss this. But aren't you sorry that you won't be able to witness this important passage in your nephew's life? Dude, go ahead and feel bad!
It might help the dynamic with your sister if you basically cop to being very sorry about this, but -- given your own family's situation, you've decided it isn't wise for you to go. This will be your final answer, so any reaction she has is just the "guilt balloon," caroming around the room as it runs out of air.
Write a very warm and avuncular letter to your nephew, offer him a special experience the next time he is able to come to the States, send a generous gift and express genuine interest in seeing photographs from the celebration.
Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for three years. His wife died six years ago, and I've been divorced for a long time.
We feel very lucky to have love back in our lives after suffering through very painful losses.
His adult children will not allow me to come to any of their kids' birthdays, school events or family activities. They feel that if I am there, they are being disloyal to their late mother.
This has caused us much pain and stress. We've respected their wishes, but we feel that by now things need to change. We feel so guilty that our happiness is causing pain for them.
What should we do?
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