ArcaMax

You should say to her, "I need to be honest about my concerns with you babysitting. When we left him with you before and returned to pick him up, I noticed that you had been drinking. I understand that you might want to have a glass of wine with dinner, but this makes me very nervous when you have the baby. Are you willing not to have alcohol while the baby is with you?"

Don't state this with judgment or condemnation. You are speaking to her as an adult, and simply asking if she would be willing to comply in order to minimize any risk. Given the circumstances, it is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask.

Dear Amy: I am a woman in my mid-60s. I was sexually abused by an older brother from the ages of about 8 to 11, although it may have occurred when I was much younger, also. I've pushed it to the back of my mind all these years; never told anyone except my gynecologist and a therapist a while ago.

Despite this, I was able to maintain a reasonable relationship with this brother.

Now he is quite sick and my two younger brothers expect me to join them in taking care of him. Quite simply, I resent being guilted into doing this.

He has three grown children who live fairly close by, but apparently, they all think I should step up to the plate alongside them.

I am hesitant to tell anyone in the family because I don't want to destroy their perceptions of our brother, but how can I handle this?

-- Heartless Sister

Dear Sister: Your siblings may lead you to the proverbial guilt buffet, but you are responsible for your own choice. Don't partake.

Here's how you respond: "I know that you want me to do this, but I'm just not able to." Don't say anything more, unless you want to.

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