ArcaMax

You and your husband came together later in life, each bringing your own values -- as well as financial assets -- to the marriage. You should check the laws in your state to determine which of your assets would be considered community property. Then you should then earmark your own funds to go wherever you want after your death. Your husband should do the same.

See an estate planner. An "incentive trust" sets down benchmarks for behavior that a potential recipient must demonstrate before receiving funds, although "behave like a decent person" is fairly hard to quantify.

This issue reveals the magnitude of how hurt you feel. Your husband could probably influence his son, and inspire (or insist upon) basic politeness and kindness toward you. You don't say that he has tried.

Regarding birthdays and holidays, if it makes you feel good to give when you never receive, then continue to do this. But maybe this couple should feel the consequences of their behavior now, versus after you are gone.

Dear Amy: My mother-in-law just turned 95. She lives in a retirement village and has her own independent apartment.

My husband and I drove two hours to see her on her birthday and took her out to eat. I noticed she had trouble getting out of the back seat.

When we returned to her building, I got out of the car and offered my hand to help her out of the car. She said, "I can do it!" and refused to take my hand.

There is a history of rudeness and coldness in this family. One of my husband's aunts (by marriage) told me that this was the coldest family she had ever known.

I've experienced this sort of thing many times, but avoid rocking the boat. Is that what I need to do? I don't want to have bad feelings about my in-laws, but it's hard to avoid when they treat me coldly.

-- Help Not Wanted

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