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SAN DIEGO -- There is a saying among Vietnam War veterans that goes something like this: If you were there, no one has to tell you what it was like. If you weren't there, there's nothing anyone can tell you to make you understand what it was like.

The same goes for losing your father. If you know, you know.

What you know is that the first Father's Day without your dad will be extremely painful. Your heart aches as your mind floods with memories you've tried to suppress.

As I approach the first Father's Day that my dad is going to miss, his memory occupies my headspace. Even with so much going on in the world, I can't stop thinking about the institution of fatherhood.

Fathers always play second fiddle to mothers. But a good dad holds the band together, as he juggles commitments to job and family.

When my father passed away six months ago, friends and family wanted to give me a hug. But all I wanted was to hide. Misery doesn't always love company. Often, it craves solitude.

The one thing that comforted me in the darkness was hearing from others who lost their dads. They had been exactly where I was.

A few weeks after my dad died, I met with a friend who asked how I was doing. I had just launched into this big-picture description of what it means to lose your dad, when he gently interrupted me.

"I know about losing fathers," he said. He had lost his dad a decade earlier, and still the wound seemed fresh.

I was working through my own personal paradox. As I processed what I was feeling about the loss, I wanted to be alone. Yet, I appreciated hearing from those who reminded me that I wasn't.

Just in the six months since my father passed away, at least a half dozen friends also lost their dads. I've reached out and shared the grace that was given to me. For all of us, this holiday will hit different.

I plan to spend Father's Day with my wife and our three kids -- who are now 16, 19 and 21. Seeing them all grown up, I'm tempted to think they don't need me as much as they once did.

I never stopped needing my dad. Even though our relationship was not free of conflict. A retired cop, my old man was a piece of work. He was my biggest fan and my harshest critic. I spent my entire life trying to understand his story, but he never really understood mine.

What are fathers for anyway? Besides loving and supporting our children, besides making them believe they can do anything and giving them tools that help them do it, what's the actual purpose of a father?

A mom's worth is never in doubt. They give us life. No wonder Mother's Day gets top billing.

But what do dads give us?

Comedian, game show host and TV sitcom actor Steve Harvey has an answer. Harvey's father -- a former coal miner and prize fighter -- passed away in 1997, and the entertainer has talked about how deeply he was impacted by the death of the only man who consistently told him that he was proud of him.

Professionally, there is much to be proud of. After quitting a series of odd jobs that included cleaning carpets and selling insurance, Harvey was homeless for three years while he did stand-up comedy gigs and pursued his lifelong dream of being on television. Today, from television and radio jobs, Harvey earns an estimated $45 million annually year and boasts a net worth of more than $200 million.

His father's passing also brought Harvey a number of epiphanies, some of which are captured in short videos on social media. Like this one: "When a man's father dies, he realizes that the one man who truly wanted him to be better than him is gone. Your father is the only man that has always wanted you to be better than him."

Today, the father of seven mentors disadvantaged youth and runs a foundation that he and his wife, Marjorie, set up to offer guidance and support to young people in need of both. That is paying it forward.

My father also left me with a debt to pay. He expected me to be a good dad to my kids, to take care of my mom and to stay close with my siblings. He wanted nothing more, and he would accept nothing less.

Dads, I see you. Happy Father's Day.

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To find out more about Ruben Navarrette and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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