A lawyer friend sent me a news release about a food-related class-action suit, and then he ruined it all by telling me about it with a whole bunch of shameless puns.

So I'm faced with a conundrum. It's a serious subject, but I can't think about it without laughing.

I said they were shameless puns. I didn't say they weren't funny.

The case involved a group of plaintiffs suing on behalf of a class of people who bought beef at grocery stores. They claimed that several of the largest beef processors conspired to stop competing against each other for market share, causing the price of beef to rise.

Two of the defendants have decided to settle the suit, while still maintaining they did nothing wrong. Tyson Foods has agreed to pay $55 million, and Cargill Meat Solutions Corp. has agreed to pay $32.5 million.

Personally, I think they should pay $32.5 million just for calling themselves Cargill Meat Solutions. Does "meat solutions" sound like something you want to eat or drink?

Several defendants are still fighting the suit: JBS, Swift Beef Co. and National Beef Packing. Should they eventually lose the suit or decide to settle, there will be more money in the pool for everyone who paid more for meat than they allegedly should have.

Even though the current pool of money is $87.5 million, that's not going to translate to a windfall for consumers. It will amount to maybe $9 apiece, my friend estimates, and indeed you can receive payment in (among other things) cards to Amazon, Starbucks and Instacart.

The class of people who are eligible to receive payouts is basically everyone who bought pretty much any cut of beef (other than ground beef) in 26 states — including Illinois and Missouri — between Aug. 1, 2014, and Dec. 31, 2019.

Some other types of beef are not included, such as beef that had been cooked, marinated, seasoned, flavored or breaded. Specialty beef is also not included, such as antibiotic-free, kosher, halal and certified humane. And neither is premium beef, such as USDA prime, organic, grass-fed, Wagyu and "American-Style Kobe Beef."

Filing a claim for a piece of the money pie is easy: You fill out a form (at overchargedforbeef.com) estimating how much money you spent on beef products in those four years, though you may later be required to provide proof — but I don't think I'm going to bother.

My reasoning is much the same as my friend's: "My experience with other class actions makes me skeptical. It seems that in most class actions the lawyers for both sides get big steaks while the consumers get drops of burger grease."

Remember, he's a lawyer, and, "for obvious reasons, I have no problem with lawyers being paid," he writes. I don't have a problem with it, either, though I personally find the percentages charged for contingency fees to be reprehensibly high.

My friend adds that class-action suits such as this one help to regulate companies' conduct, "which is increasingly important in an era of reduced government regulation of companies."

He writes, "Big companies do not care about customers' budget, health or safety as much as they care about profits.

"Somebody needs to ride herd on bad behavior and steer companies to follow the law."

I know, I know. It pains me to admit that I laughed.

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